So, I've had diabetes for 16 years now. I can't remember the last day I felt good ALL DAY LONG. But I do have good days and bad days. I try to deal with it, but sometimes I just feel like I'm giving into myself. My mom always says I am, and friends and family don't seem to understand. Some say "oh, you should just take care of yourself. Your health is most important." Others just act like it doesn't exist. So this time I decided to ask people who would actually understand and know where I am coming from. I honestly don't know anyone with T1 Diabetes, so there is no one I can talk to, no one I can compare experiences to.
So yesterday I spent all day at the river. I didn't eat much, just a sandwich at lunch and crab cakes at dinner, along with a couple beers and water. I was active for a good part of the day. I gave myself insulin just as I would have on any other day, bolusing for meals and for times when I was off my pump for a while. Then last night, as I was getting out of the bath (trying to clean the icky river water off), I almost fell over. It hurt to breathe, and my heart was pounding. I took my BG and it was 464! It hadn't been that high in quite a while. So I lay down, made sure my meter and pump were working, and bolused. It hit 500 shortly after, but then started to drop. I didn't let myself go to sleep until it was under 300.
This morning it was about 250, so I didn't eat and bolused. I felt exhausted (I assume from the night's fun BG drama) and my head was splitting. I tried to act like everything was fine and I was having a normal day, but my BG just wont go down, my head aches, and I just want to collapse on my bed and fall asleep.
Basically, I've been crying all day, I'm sitting at my desk at work trying to hide the tears. I'm trying to act normally so no one knows, but I work with my boyfriend, so he's hovering. I am so tired of not feeling well, even if I do what I know I'm supposed to. I'm tired of complaining that I don't feel well- even though it's the damn truth. I don't know if I'm just giving in and feeling sorry for myself, or if i actually have the right to feel this way. All I know is, I just want ONE DAY when I can honestly say I felt well. I'm not saying it's not fair, because we all know that. But everyone has a demon. I'm just saying that it sucks, and right now I'm a little tired of having to deal with it, along with everything else life has thrown at me. Am I pitifully wimpy? Or does everyone deal with this, some days so that it makes you want to give up...almost?