Am I just feeling sorry for myself, or is it ok to get pissed?


(smartysb1) #1

So, I've had diabetes for 16 years now.  I can't remember the last day I felt good ALL DAY LONG.  But I do have good days and bad days.  I try to deal with it, but sometimes I just feel like I'm giving into myself.  My mom always says I am, and friends and family don't seem to understand.  Some say "oh, you should just take care of yourself.  Your health is most important."  Others just act like it doesn't exist.  So this time I decided to ask people who would actually understand and know where I am coming from.  I honestly don't know anyone with T1 Diabetes, so there is no one I can talk to, no one I can compare experiences to.

So yesterday I spent all day at the river.  I didn't eat much, just a sandwich at lunch and crab cakes at dinner, along with a couple beers and water.  I was active for a good part of the day.  I gave myself insulin just as I would have on any other day, bolusing for meals and for times when I was off my pump for a while.  Then last night, as I was getting out of the bath (trying to clean the icky river water off), I almost fell over.  It hurt to breathe, and my heart was pounding.  I took my BG and it was 464!  It hadn't been that high in quite a while.  So I lay down, made sure my meter and pump were working, and bolused.   It hit 500 shortly after, but then started to drop.  I didn't let myself go to sleep until it was under 300.

This morning it was about 250, so I didn't eat and bolused.  I felt exhausted (I assume from the night's fun BG drama) and my head was splitting.  I tried to act like everything was fine and I was having a normal day, but my BG just wont go down, my head aches, and I just want to collapse on my bed and fall asleep. 

Basically, I've been crying all day, I'm sitting at my desk at work trying to hide the tears.  I'm trying to act normally so no one knows, but I work with my boyfriend, so he's hovering.  I am so tired of not feeling well, even if I do what I know I'm supposed to.  I'm tired of complaining that I don't feel well- even though it's the damn truth.  I don't know if I'm just giving in and feeling sorry for myself, or if i actually have the right to feel this way.  All I know is, I just want ONE DAY when I can honestly say I felt well.  I'm not saying it's not fair, because we all know that.  But everyone has a demon.  I'm just saying that it sucks, and right now I'm a little tired of having to deal with it, along with everything else life has thrown at me.  Am I pitifully wimpy?  Or does everyone deal with this, some days so that it makes you want to give up...almost?


(Jax_Smax) #2

You're not wimpy!!! :-D

I'm so happy you wrote this!!! It's funny how I'm reading the interpretation of your experience, and I can completely relate to it!. I don't think anyone has an easy time with taking care of his/her diabetes. I certainly don't have an easy time with mine. I am also a type 1 (11 years) and on an insulin pump. Every day it's a mental challenge just as much as it is a physical one. But, we're all human and as humans, we all have breaking points. In fact, I have many where my diabetes is concerned. I had a recent breakdown at work last week myself...I woke up with a high blood sugar, which irriated me. Then I remember crying in the morning over something trivial (like dropping my hair brush) and of course that stress added to the next elevated, and lovely three-digit round number of 300. When I got to work, I hadn't eaten anything because of it...tried to drink coffee to suppress my starving insides, obviously that was a horrible idea. So at this point, not only was I starving and irritible, I was also shaking. I had to escape to the bathroom at least 6 times that day in the attempt to gain some sort of composure, all the while, my blood sugars were not dropping no matter how much I corrected. I think at one point I drove home from work screaming, "WILL I EVER HAVE A GOOD DAY?" I sometimes think back to when I didn't have this effin thing. :-) I miss normalcy. I miss not having to check my blood sugar 15 times/day. I miss being able to do whatever I want, seemingly without consequence. However, my reality changed (as I know you understand :-) )and I honestly have a hard time accepting it. It's difficult to explain to my friends/family that "doctors are my my best friends", and so is my little life support system (pump and meter). Since I'm the ONLY one in my family with type 1, I often become frustrated with them because they just don't "get it". I have tried to explain things to no avail, so I usually bail out on the conversation and switch the topic. In any case,  I am so thankful for support groups like this. :-D YAY!

I have a severe tendency of rambling. I do believe sometimes it's involuntary! I hope this helps you and I want you to KNOW you're definitely not alone, you're not a wimp, it's ok to be pissed off, and YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT!

Feel free to hit me up any time if you want to talk more!!!

 

 


(whatruhere4) #3

i have had this lovely thing called Diabetes practically my whole life. even though i have had it for so long i too would love to just take all my supplies and feed them to the incineraters (however that is spelled). i wish there was a day where my doctor said we have a cure. i understand where you are coming from, it's ok to cry, in fact i encourage it. have a good day.


(orange_mms) #4

I've been T1 for 25 yrs. and know all too well about the bad days. I have trouble sometimes with highs and lows for days at a time. After my body goes through that it becomes weak, tired and feels like I've been beaten up. It takes me a week or better to recover sometimes after periods of extended highs and lows. I don't remember the last time I felt good for an entire day. Emotionally it takes a toll on you plus just the everyday maintainence can be draining. I get depressed and cry from dealing with my diabetes, it's normal. Complications are enough to make you depressed, I have 2 (early stages of kidney disease ( since 16 yrs. old and mini stroke, this past Jan.)I always wonder what did I do to deserve this disease, after all I was only 5 when I was diagnosed. So no, you're not whimpy or pittiful you're normal in my opinion. That's why we have Juvenation, to help us deal with our concerns and questions. Good luck.


(abhammack) #5

I have had T1 for almost 27 years (this June).....and by no means am I glad that you guys feel the same way, but it is nice to know that I am not the only one........I was looking for a pick me up here today regarding it all, but knowing I am not alone worked.

Ditto on everything all of you have said....it's 24/7 and it gets OLD!!

From a fellow T1 - I am sending my thoughts out to you wherever you are!


(Dylan404) #6

I think we all have those days, no matter what. It's annoying that there is no available 'solution' that will completely reduce the impact diabetes has on our lives; it will always be a negative, which is why we need a cure. I don't think your wimpy at all. Those days are the worst, where you follow the same regimen that has worked to control your blood sugar before, but today for whatever reason it's just not working. Maybe it would help to just relax for a while (if that's possible), and if not don't feel bad about yourself, it's no cake walk.