I have been diabetic for eight years now and still can't seem to accept the fact I have it. I've gone into DKA multiple times from not taking care of myself. Its almost like that if I dont do anything about my diabetes, I dont have it. I know this sounds stupid (well, because it is) but I can't seem to get over this psychological block. I need to know that I am not the only person who feels this way, and need advice on how to handle it. I can't handle hurting myself and the people who love me anymore.
The fact that you realize this is really a good first step to doing something about taking care of yourself. When I was younger I was always in denial of the illness and would not talk about it in fact sometimes I still don't like to bring it up or remind people. You could look at why you don't want to think about it, there is probably a reason somewhere. The best thing though is to find someone to talk to, that you can be open with and hopefully understand where you are coming from. Mind you, I am not saying find a counselor or something, but many hospitals run support groups, maybe find one for diabetics. One of the biggest things that helped me, was last year I found someone who was a diabetic, who understood what I was going through, and was able to talk to me on the level of type-1 to type-1, it made a difference.
Another thing that helped was for me I had a new Doctor take my case as the old one had moved out of the practice and she had made me feel more comfortable and talked with me about my treatment, changes I wanted to make, and seemed to be more interested in looking out for me. While my last doctor was okay, let's take your weight, height, blood pressure, eyes, breathe, socks off, can you feel this. Well Brian, your numbers look okay, your thyroid may need a little tweak, here try this dose. Need any prescriptions? Ok, see you in three months. All done in 8 minutes flat. That does not lead to a good relationship with a patient.
Hopefully, this will help in a small way. But, you are not alone there are many of us out there. Some who have run into the same problem you have, others who just like to say stuff, and the rest just the wise-OLD sages who can pass their many years of experience on to us youngsters. Hang in there. You can and will get through this.
I have had diabetes for 8 yrs myself and I have gone through exactly what you are feeling in 2004-5. I have had DKA multiple times as well and that would make me take care of myself for about a week, and then I would be up to my old tricks again. Not caring, not wanting to bolus, check my blood sugar maybe once a day, the feeling of total and complete overwhelmness all the time. I was living my life like I didn't have diabetes at all. I lied to everyone in my family even when I would have to be hospitlized. I would blame it on a pump failure or bad pump site. I WAS DEPRESSED AND IN TOTAL AND COMPLETE DENIAL.
For a while it felt great I didn't think about diabetes at all, my life finally felt normal. I didn't worry about the numbers, carbs, counting. The numbers on my meter drove me crazy everyday, i did the same thing all the time, ate the same food at the same time, bolused the same, exercised the same time everyday, knew my carb counts and the numbers were never perfect. I just wanted the numbers to be in perfect range but it never happened that way. If I saw blood sugars over 200 i would actually cry. With real tears.
then I started to really feel like crap. I became very irritable and cranky and fought with everyone around me constantly. I was going down a really bad road because when you continually have high blood sugars you feel even worse and even more depressed and don't want to check or doing anything ten times worse than before. I just wanted to die. A life with diabetes made me so angry that I just wanted to throw up the white flag and say you win.
Until one day when my boyfriend (husband now) was breaking up with me. I had become so depressed that I pushed everyone that loved me away. I felt that I was just a burden for all of these people around me. I was becoming distant on purpose and when he actually wanted to break up with me that is when I realized what the hell am i doing to myself? It will be an even bigger burden if I am dead. I was sick mentally and I needed help.
This lasted for almost a full year. What probably kept me alive was my basal in my pump because I hardly bolused. or checked my blood. I finally ended up telling my family, i even told my doctor because i was ready for help. He wanted to admit me into a pysch ward because I was causing bodily harm to myself but my mom begged him that she would make sure I would get professional help without admission into a hospital.
I started seeing a pyschologist that specialized in diabetes patients the next day. It helped me so much to talk to someone that didn't know me or passed any sort of judgement on me. I am not saying you should have to talk to someone. Some people are really against that sort of thing. I used to think it myself. And let me just tell you it took me a lot to go, I didn't like the feeling that I was crazy or something and I was ashamed of myself that I had to go see a shrink.
But, for me it actually worked and I did not see him for a long period of time. It was nothing to be ashamed of sometimes you just need to do what you need to do to get better. He taught me new ways of thinking. Things that your family and friends can't teach you. If I didn't go I think I would not have been able to write this post to you today.
Here I am 4 years later with an A1c below 8 something I never thought I could get again, and trying to do my best everyday with my diabetes care. Having diabetes is definitely not easy and everyday is a new battle but, instead of living my whole life around diabetes. I live my life. And with the right help and steps you will learn to live yours again. I promise. Life experience here.
I am really proud of you for taking a first step and telling us that you have a problem it sounds cliche right now but the first step really is admitting that you have a problem.
If you ever need anything you can email me directly. I hope me sharing my story of depression can help you.