Divorce`


(Forgotten.Lover) #1

my parents were divorced when i was a baby but my dad was around, like living in the same town. he moved to kansas when i was about 7 and i was sad but got to see him every holiday i had from school. it became routine, i would fly down and see him and then come back and start school again. that is until i got diagnosed with diabetes at the age of ten. i havent seen him in five years and its like he doesn't wanna see me since i got this "condition" i used to blame my self for getting diagnosed and thought it was all my fault. i've learned to accept it but im wondering has anyone else been in this postion..or have any advice?


(sarahslp) #2

I'm so sorry to hear that Jessica! He must feel scared of it but obviously that won't get better if he isn't with you. I'm glad you are able to realize it isnt your fault. Sorry I don't have any better advice. Do you have a family member who could talk to him for you and tell him how you're feeling? Like an uncle or aunt?


(Forgotten.Lover) #3

not really, his family all live in the states and my mom's side doesnt get along with his so things are kinda tough. but thanks :)


(joe) #4

[quote user="Jessica"]

not really, his family all live in the states and my mom's side doesnt get along with his so things are kinda tough. but thanks :)

[/quote]

jessica, there might be one thing you could try, which can work well with men of all ages:  be direct.  tell him directly what you just told us.  don't hint, don't make strong hints, don't make him guess - just say something like "I feel bad you haven't had me over since I was diagnosed - it makes me feel sad inside, and negelcted by you.  Why haven't you had me over"?

chances are good that he's scared and blames himself for your illness.  maybe he needs to visit a CDE or your dictor with you and ask questions.  Maybe he needs to check in with the local JDRF office in his area for information.   Many men do not like to be in situations where they might not know what to do - it makes many of them just avoid those situations.

hope you are okay


(kdrake88) #5

Jessica,

My parents are not divorced, but I did and stil do notice that my dad and I'd relationship greatly declined once I was diagnosed in '04. I actually talked to my aunt (his sister) about it and she said that he along with a lot of men simply get scared and don't know how to express their emotions or know how to handle certain things, especially when their baby girl has been diagnosed with such a serious illness. Maybe he blames HIMSELF for your diagnosis. I would try talking to him about it...

p.s. sorry if and men were offended. Maybe some men, preferably with children can enlighten us ???


(kdrake88) #6

Sorry, Joe! I just now read your message.. I guess my Aunt was right! thanks for your input! Maybe I should have a talk with my dad, too. I love him and want a relationship with him, but the only thing we seem to be able to talk about is college and finances...


(Doug D) #7

I am going to agree with both Joe and Kim.  My parents were not divorced but my dad was always on me about the D and not just the did you test yourself type of stuff.  I was giving my first shot at 8 (almost 9) years old and he was calling me a baby becuase I could not do it - it ended up taking 9 times.  Fast forward to when he was at the end of his life with prostate cancer - it was unfortunate that I waited 20 years to finally have a conversation about it but he wanted help out of his wheel chair and I called him a baby and told him to just do it.  He looked at me and smiled.  I did help him out and into bed for a 5 hour conversation until the next day for another long convo.  He felt everything - guilt - thinking he gave me diabetes (why, I don't know being know one in the family had it).  He felt scared because he knew full well that complications are near by if I'm not taking care of myself.  He felt dumb becuase he spent so much time working to support 3 kids and going to college that he didn't know a whole lot about the disease (plus no internet then either).   We went on an on - the point being you might be surprised at the result.  If it is not what you had hoped for - at least you have your answer and you can deal with it  - not knowing won't give you that chance.    Best of luck Jessica.


(Anonymous) #8

Hi Jessica,  I think it is great that you are not blaming yourself, because you are right this is not your fault. I can really relate to what you are going through. My parents had me young and when they divorced neither one of was stable enough to take care of me, so I went to live with my grandparents. I saw one of my parents every other weekend and the other one I spent my summers with, just like you it was our routine until I was diagnosed. After my diagnosis I barely saw my parents for years.  I never really brought this up to my parents, however one of them did tell me when I was in my late teens that they were really happy when I got my pump because it made them feel like they could visit with me and that there would be less of a burden on them. Maybe your dad feels the same way that since this isn't a part of his daily life like it is for you and your mom. Although I know it can be hard to say things to a parent you have not had much contact with in years, if you feel comfortable talking to him you should try and do so. I wish you the best.


(FreeHappyHolly) #9

Jessica - talk to your dad directly.  I'm divorced and my daughter has t1 since she was 3.  She's 6 now.  Her dad does treat her differently than our other child.  Visitation has been diffcult because it's like if he doesn't talk about the diabetes then it doesn't exist. In his case I think it's because he doesn't know how to handle the emotional part of it.  It's like it's too difficult for him to deal with it so he'll do what he does best...not deal with it at all.  Maybe your dad feels like he has failed you because you got this disease...men have funny thoughts sometimes.  No offense guys.  It's important to be open and honest with your dad.  You're thoughts and feelings matter.  He probably doesn't even realize you feel this way.      


(system) #10

my dad lived on the mainland with his new gf when i was diganosed. he was suppose to come over for classes so he could have me on weekends and some holidays along with my big bro(who isn't his real son), my mom even got them arranged for him..but he never did....so i saw him maybe once or twice after that with a social worker. he came to see me in the hospital for a few hours and brought me a teddy bear(in grade 10 i wrote an english paper that was about "your favuorite thing" and it was about the bunny he gave me, and how it was my favourite animal from my childhood cuz it was a symbol to show that my daddy once loved his little girl. i made my english student teacher cry IN FRONT of the whole class when she handed it back and tell me how much she related to the store because she had gone through a similar thing with her dad growing up and her 10year old daughter was as well with her ex-husband, and how brave i was to tell write about it haha). to be fair..he wasn't around much after their separated when i was 3 anyways(i was 6 when i was diagnosed) and when he was, we had to be supervised by my mom or a social worker.

didn't see him for 13years after that. i thought i did something wrong, which most kids regardless of diabetes usually think in that situation. but over time i just began to hate him for missing out on ME and how great I am and how i did what i had to with my mom to take care of myself the best I could. sooner or later i gave up even thinking about it, but when i did i was angry which is normal.

two years ago this past august he came to have coffee with me(which my mom arranged). so i've been there, done that with the absent father but also re-connected.

over the last two years i've realized some things after getting to know him after becoming a grown adult and experiencing 13years without him. sometimes people can't face it. he asks me questions, but he generally doesn't -really- understand a lot of it as much as he tries too now. he's also a very closed person, almost selfish and could only really think of himself. his whole family is like that(his mother wouldn't acknowledge me as her grandchild until two months ago when i forced him to invite her out for coffee with us. i've never lived more than 5blocks away from her my WHOLE life.)

 

i finally have a relationship with my dad, i've met his wife again and his two kids...and you know what? having diabetes and having to deal with people wondering why your dad doesn't call you or come see you..just makes you a stronger person in the end. i've had my breakdowns since and wondered why he didn't love me, but really..it wasn't my fault, i didn't do anything wrong.

i've gone through a lot without him, and i'm kinda thankful he wasn't around because although i'm a little screwed up from it i'll admit, i probably wouldn't be able to take care of myself as well as i do.

 

it's gonna hurt for a long time, and if you're angry there's nothing wrong with that..but just keep reminding yourself that it's not YOUR problem he's like that. it's his own fault, and one day you'll be able to show him the great person you grew up to be WITHOUT him and he'll regret it.

if he decides to come around great, but if he doesn't anytime soon or when you're finally grown up and living your life as an adult..then he's missed out and there's nothing you can do about it but feel sorry for him.

 

(if he does come around..all those years DO help when it comes to get sweet ass gifts. i have NO problem guilt tripping my dad - who i call by his first name still around most people and usually to him - into getting me expensive presents to make up for 13years of no contact haha)


(system) #11

oh and if you ever wanna talk, i've been through all the stages of dealing with a shitty ass father from the age of 3 onwards, so just gimme a shout :)


(Anonymous) #12

[quote user="Batts"]

it's gonna hurt for a long time, and if you're angry there's nothing wrong with that..but just keep reminding yourself that it's not YOUR problem he's like that. it's his own fault, and one day you'll be able to show him the great person you grew up to be WITHOUT him and he'll regret it.

if he decides to come around great, but if he doesn't anytime soon or when you're finally grown up and living your life as an adult..then he's missed out and there's nothing you can do about it but feel sorry for him.

[/quote]

This is awesome advise Batts and all so true. It still hurts, not all the time but it never completely goes away. I have my days where I breakdown too, and the one thing that really helps me on those days is what you just said; I made it this far without them. That is something to feel good about.

Sometimes, as I get older, it really bothers me because I am older than they were then, now, and I can't imagine putting a child what they put me through. However like you said no sense in trying to rationalize someone else's problem.


(system) #13

[quote user="Happy Vegan"]

[quote user="Batts"]

it's gonna hurt for a long time, and if you're angry there's nothing wrong with that..but just keep reminding yourself that it's not YOUR problem he's like that. it's his own fault, and one day you'll be able to show him the great person you grew up to be WITHOUT him and he'll regret it.

if he decides to come around great, but if he doesn't anytime soon or when you're finally grown up and living your life as an adult..then he's missed out and there's nothing you can do about it but feel sorry for him.

[/quote]

This is awesome advise Batts and all so true. It still hurts, not all the time but it never completely goes away. I have my days where I breakdown too, and the one thing that really helps me on those days is what you just said; I made it this far without them. That is something to feel good about.

Sometimes, as I get older, it really bothers me because I am older than they were then, now, and I can't imagine putting a child what they put me through. However like you said no sense in trying to rationalize someone else's problem.

[/quote]

 

haha yeah the night before i was suppose to re-meet his mom(it was actually a last minute thing that he agreed to..apparently didnt think i wanted to meet her..i was kinda doing it to be like "LOOK HOW AWESOME I AM YOU HORRIBLE OLD WOMAN! NO THANKS TO YOU!" haha) i actually broke down into sobs and had to get picked up by my step-dad at 3am when i called my mom totally breaking down. and she sat up with me until like 6am talking about it and re-releasing all the pent up anger..i still hate his guts, and i still at times wish he'd die.. but it happens and its good to be able to get it out when it does! i love him cuz hes my dad and i've always wanted him to be around, but i still think he's an ass for it! i just try to remember when i break down that i have grown up to be a respectable young woman without him and everyone tells my mom what great kids she has..and he missed out on it and it was his fault not ours!

whenever i meet someone through him and they comment on how great of a person i am, i always make sure to go "yeah my mom did a really good job raising me. she was really big on manners and being respectful. me and my brother have really done her proud." so that he doesn't get any of the credit cuz all he did was make me unable to watch Mrs. Doubtfire without bursting into tears and having nightmares(I thought he was gonna dress up like a woman and come babysit me) and have nightmares about him coming and killing us! haha.

 


(Anonymous) #14

[quote user="Batts"]

whenever i meet someone through him and they comment on how great of a person i am, i always make sure to go "yeah my mom did a really good job raising me. she was really big on manners and being respectful. me and my brother have really done her proud." so that he doesn't get any of the credit cuz all he did was make me unable to watch Mrs. Doubtfire without bursting into tears and having nightmares(I thought he was gonna dress up like a woman and come babysit me) and have nightmares about him coming and killing us! haha.

[/quote]

Wow I do the same thing. I just say "thanks my grandparents did their best".

Too strange about Mrs. Doubtfire though, I actually saw that with one of my estranged parents and afterward they told me "see not all families live together." Wow, thanks for the pep talk.

 

 


(system) #15

[quote user="Happy Vegan"]

[quote user="Batts"]

whenever i meet someone through him and they comment on how great of a person i am, i always make sure to go "yeah my mom did a really good job raising me. she was really big on manners and being respectful. me and my brother have really done her proud." so that he doesn't get any of the credit cuz all he did was make me unable to watch Mrs. Doubtfire without bursting into tears and having nightmares(I thought he was gonna dress up like a woman and come babysit me) and have nightmares about him coming and killing us! haha.

[/quote]

Wow I do the same thing. I just say "thanks my grandparents did their best".

Too strange about Mrs. Doubtfire though, I actually saw that with one of my estranged parents and afterward they told me "see not all families live together." Wow, thanks for the pep talk.

 

 

[/quote]

haha i still can't watch that movie. i was the only kid in the theatres sobbing in their mom's lap during that movie. i had the same nightmare for months before my mom was finally able to convince me that she would never let that happen. i havent tried watching it in years, the last time i did i ended up tearing up a bit and having the nightmare a few nights later. i was really sensitive as a kid to people being lying, and i had a fear for a while of guys dressed as ladies..thank god that's gone now cuz i find myself around cross dressers sometimes..but when i was younger they scared me cuz of that movie and my pops.


(Anonymous) #16

[quote user="Batts"]

[quote user="Happy Vegan"]

[quote user="Batts"]

whenever i meet someone through him and they comment on how great of a person i am, i always make sure to go "yeah my mom did a really good job raising me. she was really big on manners and being respectful. me and my brother have really done her proud." so that he doesn't get any of the credit cuz all he did was make me unable to watch Mrs. Doubtfire without bursting into tears and having nightmares(I thought he was gonna dress up like a woman and come babysit me) and have nightmares about him coming and killing us! haha.

[/quote]

Wow I do the same thing. I just say "thanks my grandparents did their best".

Too strange about Mrs. Doubtfire though, I actually saw that with one of my estranged parents and afterward they told me "see not all families live together." Wow, thanks for the pep talk.

 

 

[/quote]

haha i still can't watch that movie. i was the only kid in the theatres sobbing in their mom's lap during that movie. i had the same nightmare for months before my mom was finally able to convince me that she would never let that happen. i havent tried watching it in years, the last time i did i ended up tearing up a bit and having the nightmare a few nights later. i was really sensitive as a kid to people being lying, and i had a fear for a while of guys dressed as ladies..thank god that's gone now cuz i find myself around cross dressers sometimes..but when i was younger they scared me cuz of that movie and my pops.

[/quote]

How intense. That is a scary dream for a kid or an adult to have.

I have a movie that gets me like that, that everyone else thinks is so cute and funny, and that is Three Men and a Baby. I can't get past the fact that some lady just dropped her kid off somewhere.It hits way to close to home for me. It erks me and ruins the film. So I just can't hang with that one.