Dream again


(Shivvalanblue) #1

I have this problem when I write poetry; every time I read the work I've down I want to change something. I only know for certain that a poem of mine is finished when there's nothing about it I want to change.

This is one of my older works, and I can confidently say it is complete.

Turn out the lights
Lay down your head
lose yourself to the darkness
and dream again

Shadows of memories
glimpses of light
the Chaos of morning
the Silence of night 
Tell me, what did you look for?
and what did you find?
lost in the labyrinth of the impregnable mind
the past long forgotten
the future in sight
Life's secrets revealed in the darkness of night
Your hopes made real
Your fears given life 
Until the shards of morning
Opened your eyes

and there you will lie
as the new day begins
for a moment, alive, as your dreams came to end
But when day turns to night
You'll return here, my friend
Dying to sleep
And Dream Again 

I hope you like it! Comments/Criticism much appreciated :) 

 


(A-D) #2

Patrick,

If the purpose of good poetry is (and  don't know that it is) to relate images and emotions in a way that are relatable and identifiable than you have hit the mark cold.  Knowing precious little about good poetry or prose, I can’t speak to the technical merits but I can say it speaks to me and  it was a joy t’ read.  Well done.

Cheers!

A-D

P.S.

Way t' put yourself out there, man!


(Ande) #3

this was amazing dude!

good job.


(kneazle_lady) #4

Hello...I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I am offering my two cents. First, where I'm coming from: I take the point of view that art of any form does not have, inherently, a right or a wrong way to be made. I also apply this to thoughts, emotions (not actions)...no right or wrong. The reason I say that there is no right or wrong way to create any art form or to feel any emotion...or think any thought...is that the minute a person attempts to define what is right or wrong (better, worse...good, bad) in any of those categories, I think it may lead to one human eventually having to have an opinion, subjective, that rules over other belief systems and thought processes not to mention experiences, etc...and since I believe that all people are equal, then it follows that no person can define and/or dictate another's proper voice, way, etc. without crossing some basic moral line...

An artist of any type, as is also essentially, I think, the human experience, will experience an evolving perspective which will, eventually, I think also cause his or her art to evolve. Therefore, what may be comfortable to that artist at one point may become, oddly, a place of discomfort at some point down the road.

I hope I haven't typed your 'ear' off...be who you are in the way that is you, and allow that person's voice to change when it wants, how it wants, just as you would allow your thoughts to change, emotions if and when you believe they should...

There were lots of images that I identified with...but does my identifying with your work in some way pose a possible hazard to your expression by imposing a limitation? I hope not. To me, art is a catalyst for thought and change. As such, your art created a series of thoughts and ideas not to mention questions. Your words, then, for me, were art because they opened a door to ideas and thought...

For instance, who is the friend? The reader? Is the reader a particular person, or any individual? While you talk of darkness, the true illumination of knowledge occurs during the Dream, at night, and not as the "shards" of day cut (violently, abruptly) through the beautiful world before them. So even though daylight has been in some traditions associated with awareness and insight, you seem to turn this assumption on its head, and the result was, for me, interesting (and thrilling). In sleep, a person is awake; in waking, a person is asleep...in dreams a person is illuminated with reality, maybe? While in waking life, a person's true soul, the impregnable mind, is not free to become truly 'real'? Which world, that of the waking world with its chaos and shards of light or the sleeping world with its Silence and life secrets revealed, to you, is preferable? Can one exist without the other?

There's also a steady rhythm in your work, like a heart beat, which sustains its motion through the entire piece. The rhyme scheme as well is steady...was this a deliberate choice on your part, used to emphasize some meaning in the poem?

Sorry...I think I got a little carried away. Please forgive me if I have gone overboard with the commentary. Thank you for sharing your work.


(Shivvalanblue) #5

Thanks to all of you guys for you kind words, it really feels good to have people read and compliment my work :)

Crochet Nut:

I think the most beautiful thing about poetry and art in general is how the art itself effects each individual differently. In a way, all those different interpretations become part of the art itself, and the artist's perspective is only one facet in the whole. I'm glad you found your own interpretations and questions about my work, it can only enrich the piece to have more views added to it.

That said, I have my own feeling and ideas which I drew upon to make his poem, and without revealing them, I will say you have many of them correct in your own analysis.:P

As for the cadence and rhyme scheme, I literally spent years perfecting it to the point that I was happy with it(which for me means that I can read it without wanting to change something) and I think this poem is still my best to date. It was meant to create that sort of lassitude and detachment one feels when dreaming, to create a feeling of neutral introspection. This is something I strive for in much of my work, to make the words themselves create such powerful ideas that the cadence almost becomes the background to the true story, the melody behind the crescendo.

I think I'll start posting more of my "completed" works soon, and I will look forward to your comments.

 

 

 

 


(Kimbert) #6

Love it!