In progress/For feedback :P


(Anonymous) #1

I am alone.
Swallowed by the
blackness of condemnation.
Shadows seep,
one into the other
and consume these
faltering shades
of broken light.

Left paralleled by absence,
and echoed, mocked
by this vacuous life
these footsteps tread alone.
Burdened, laden
with the chore to persevere.
Inability a state of strength
I am alone.

I am alone.
Bruised, forlorn, and shattered
I cripple beneath the pain of every breath
Soaked -
wasting in my own blood.
Each wound dug unwittingly by my hand.
Every trip, every tear
a fault of ever standing twice...


(JFSalvatore) #2

Alyssa - wow, breathless. Wasn't expecting something so somber - in fact that may be a good word in the title for it - somber meaning shaded and/or full of shadows. This is a great piece - a few suggestions -

I like the idea of shadows seeping but it may be better conveyed if they were seeping one unto another. And it's kinda cool to think of shadows laying one atop another like layers of ... idk, go with it.

And I'm not sure about footsteps treading alone. Maybe laying alone, remaining alone. I know you want to use tread, but treading is what someone or something does. Footsteps are what's left after treading. How about these footsteps persist without accompaniment  ... or something, again idk.

It's really good. Someone your age shouldn't be writing like this. You have the writing style of an old soul. Your control of semantics and the written word is unparalleled for someone your age. Keep at it.

JFS


(Anonymous) #3

I'm having one heck of a time trying to finish this. It's like last night the words were there, and now they're not. I hate that :P

Yeah... I guarantee it won't be as somber at the end as it is throughout the other parts. It's kind of a reflection on the most difficult lesson I've leared in these last 4 years, playing on the most extreme cases.

Those are all really helpful suggestions, thanks for taking the time to look this over I really appreciate it. I'm writing them down so I can look over the poem again and revise before I blog-it :P

Aside from having issues completeting the poem in general I'm having a difficult time conveying, at least finding the words to convey, what I mean by the footsteps. It's not so much the actual steps I want to focus on in that part, but the sound - and how the sound is left unechoed because I walk alone... does that make sense?


(JFSalvatore) #4

[quote user="Alyssa"]Aside from having issues completeting the poem in general I'm having a difficult time conveying, at least finding the words to convey, what I mean by the footsteps. It's not so much the actual steps I want to focus on in that part, but the sound - and how the sound is left unechoed because I walk alone... does that make sense?[/quote]

Like unechoed meaning without an echo or the sound echos make? Yes, I understand you want to say how you are alone and walking alone. Hmmmmm. I would focus on the sound of the echo and how it's amplified b/c there is nothing there to dampen the sound. Maybe like deafening echos encompass me or idk. That would convey the being alone/walking alone part.

If you want to say no one hears it, like you said unechoed, maybe like inaudible echos or something.

Play with it, you'll get it.

JFS


(paulg765) #5

Hi Alyssa,

There's a very nice word which might work for you here.  The word is "anechoic," which is an adjective which means something which doesn't produce any echoes.  In the audio field (my past life) we would use a room with padded walls, ceilings, carpets to test out loudspeakers and other sound producing components without the influence of a "live" sonic environment.  This completely sound deadened room is known as an "anechoic chamber."  Being in an anechoic chamber is a very strange experience where you would barely hear your own (or anybody elses) footsteps.

"Anechoic footsteps" would be footsteps which produce no (or little) sound... yikes, that's frightening.

 


(Anonymous) #6

Latest, sorry about the code: (still editing this piece especially btw will respond to posts after dinner)

Fallen prey to darkness
and comforted by numbness
I walk blind to all hope.
A cold, constricting truth, the mortality
that leaves me dying for breath…
Knees, skinned and wounded, caked
in fresh drops of red
streaked across dried smears of blood.
I am alone.


(Anonymous) #7

OK. Now that I have time to think :)

Paul, that's actually a really cool word that I think will work into this piece pretty well. Like Joe said I'll play with it loads more and hopefully come up with something good. Thanks for the feedback and ideas, both of you :)

Joe, yes, that's exactly what I mean. How long do you guys think is too long for a poem? It feels like there's so much to say about this, but I don't want it to be too long, you know?


(JFSalvatore) #8

The strongest endings are succinct, like this. I am alone. is the perfect way to end this piece. And when you ask how long, the only thing I can think of is as long (without being verbose) as it takes. Parsimony is something I think of when writing. It basically says say what you want to say with the least amount of words. The difference b/w a good piece of work and a great one is the way the message is conveyed. When you go overboard, and convolute the passage with unnecessary words, it really takes away from the piece. As is, great job. I'd be interested to see the piece once pieced together and finished

JFS


(Anonymous) #9

I was thinking of adding another piece to the end here and ending it with I am not alone... any thoughts? It's supposed to be a dark to light kind of thing, but if you think it'd be more impactful being just dark I can probably work that out too.

I'm lugging this one to school with me tomorrow. Guess I'll edit/write instead of sleep during chemistry :P :P

So do you think it's too wordy so far? I'm considering taking things out, but then I'm considering adding things, and... poetry's too free form for me tonight, lol, I can't decide


(diabetic-angel) #10

alyssa- u are an amazing poet and u should write them for a living. i love ur poem. it is insightful and powerful.


(Anonymous) #11

I swear I am working on this - I promise I have it right here in front of me, I'm going through and highlighting what I want to keep for the next draft right now and reorganizing/rewriting. Sorry that it's going slow :P I wrote what I'm so far leaning towards for the ending piece of this poem. Let me know what you think, I'm not sure how the direction I went with it will be recieved.... could be a better piece without it, but. Not a clue :)

Anyway:

In this darkened cavity
I know not if
I am alone.
Alas -
soft and distanced
yet steay, ever coming.
Footsteps.
Am I alone?
Gentle breath,
tainted with the sweet scent of hope,
(diff word than tainted, I know :P)
against my frozen flesh.
Am I alone?
Focus in the darkness,
an outline of a lighter black.
Am I alone?
The feel of another hand in mine,
I recall touch and company
other than my own....
                                ....I am not alone....

Also, I have no clue yet what to do for a title. I'm completely open to suggestions :D


(Anonymous) #12

I've gotten through the editing of the first few lines (I feel bad this is taking me so long, I've gone through 6 days and 13 pages of writing for this one, sorry!):

I am alone,
swallowed
by the blackness of condemnation.
Shadows seep,
one unto the other -
bind felicity behind gloom
beyond my reach
and consume these faltering shades
of broken light.


(Anonymous) #13

OK, I just worked through the parts about the footsteps and I feel OK about it right now. Please do let me know what you think, the feedback really helps plus I'm not sure if the meaning is conveyed well in this part:

I strain for proof of company
yet the only sound remains
that of my own two feet -
stepping, dragging.
Left paralleled by silence
I venture on -
Burdened
by the chore to persevere.
Inability a state of strength,
I am alone.


(Anonymous) #14

I finished!! (kind of) It only took me 7 days and 23 pages of paper, lol, but I think I've come to what will be (mostly) the final draft. But I'm open to feedback ont his too, I want to tighten it up as much as I can before I'm done with it. I've also come up with a title that I think fits, but I'm not all too sure :P :

Absence of Presence

I am alone,
swallowed
by the blackness of condemnation.
Shadows seep,
one unto the other -
bind felicity behind gloom
beyond my reach
and consume these faltering shades
of broken light.

I strain for proof of company
yet the sole sound remains
the steps of my own two feet.
Left paralleled by silence
I venture,
burdened with the chore to persevere.
Inability a state of strength,
I am alone.

I am alone,
bruised, forlorn, and shattered,
I cripple beneath the pain of every breath.
Soaked -
wasting in my own blood.
Each wound dug unwittingly by my hand.
Every trip, every tear -
a fault of ever standing twice.

Fallen prey to darkness
and comforted by numbness
I walk blinded to all hope.
Supported by such weary knees,
skinned and caked
in fresh drops of red
streaked across smears of dry blood.
Balance left to chance,
I am alone.

Trapped within this darkened cavity,
buried beneath skeletons of failure,
I know not if
I am alone.

Alas -
Distanced and muffled
yet steady and nearer -
the soft echo of footsteps
alongside my own.
Ring against the boundaries
of this vacuous life
and answer,
Am I alone?
A gentle breath,
tainted with the sweet scent of hope,
caress and linger on my frozen flesh.
Tell me,
Am I alone?
I focus in the darkness
upon the outline of a lighter black.
Gaze forth
should these eyes ever see,
Am I alone?
The brush of skin against my own
and the warmth
of a hand in mine.
I recall touch and company
and grasp a shard
of this strengthening shade of light.
Illuminate these shadows
and forever reveal to me,
I am not alone.


(meme) #15

I really like your poem Alyssa,your talent shows-I am looking forward to reading more..


(system) #16

Maybe that's all you need to say.