On and Off: I am Tired of It

(Rayna) #1

I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was around 10 or 11, and it was a super hard transition. Even though a few years have passed, I have no more control than what I did before and I have made several attempts to better myself yet they never work out. I am tired of this and a few times I simply gave up. I stopped taking insulin, ate all the sweets in the world, enjoyed sodas other than diets, and my sense of portions were gone out the window. I recently got out the hospital for what might as well have been my 100th DKA. Even though I am so desperately trying to stay on track, I can feel myself slipping already and I fear that I may be in the hospital again soon. Please help and tell me what I should do. My family doesn’t understand and constantly tells me to check my blood sugar and make sure I take my insulin, never asking how I feel or if I am even comfortable doing it.

(joe) #2

@rwatkin7 hi Rayna,

It can be a long and scary road when someone tells you that you have an incurable disease. The first couple years you might not even believe them… you might convince yourself that you aren’t sick, that you don’t need insulin, that this is a bad dream, that everything would be fine if things could go only back to the old days, Then we spend… maybe years… trying to figure out what we did wrong to get singled out and punished so bad.

There is a process for grieving. Everyone will have some life-changing losses in their lives. This includes people places and things. When this happens we grieve, during this process it can feel like this is the end of life for us, but then life goes on anyway. We can get stuck in depression and never be able to get out on our own… when this happens we will need the help of others to get through this process.

I can tell you that life will go on, even against your will. There are times and there will always be times, when nothing seems fair,

I did this for many years. I pretended I didn’t have diabetes. I thought in my head that if I pretended hard enough, that I would not be sick anymore and I could return to the “good old days”. This is called “denial”. It is an important part of grieving because if we had to wrap our head around the whole new deal all at once, we might lose it completely. Denial can be helpful in slowing down the realization of this terrible new deal. This can be a disaster if we get stuck here.

I urge you to talk to a therapist if you can see one. and if you can’t, to continue to talk to the people here, because we’ve all been at this spot. Some pass it easier, some like me, get stuck in this part for years. Talking about it, getting angry, helping others, will slowly start to help you to realize this new deal and then get past this horrible truth. This growth will not come easy, but it will come.

good luck Rayna

(joe) #3

@rwatkin7 come to think of it Rayna, being tired of it is a really good sign, as long as “it” means the roller coaster of DKA, then trying to do better, then DKA.

Being tired of it, in a way, could mean you are ready to move on. As soon as you stop the war you are having with yourself, the sooner you get to a place of acceptance.

Also - I like ice cream. I like pizza. I like General TSO’s Chicken with that thick spicy and incredibly sweet sauce on it. I eat candy with my boy at Halloween, and I always eat “first birthday” and wedding cake, just because I want to. If you learn how to use insulin, there is no reason you can’t eat “sweets”. This idea of “cheating” and “forbidden” foods is BS. it just takes a lot of learning. If you make too many rules, you will break them.

I made homemade pizza last night, pepperoni. it took me over a year to be able to eat this and have normal blood sugar, but I can do it. I don’t have magic, just patience with myself.

I think you can do it too.

(Kaylee) #4

@rwatkin7 Rayna, honey you have no idea how many times I have been down this road. I understand completely and totally how you feel. Physically and emotionally. My name is kaylee and I’m only 14. I have had this for about 5years. And I have been in and out of the hospital, because I would just give up. If you want to talk, I am here for you. I know how frustrating it is. I know how much it takes out of you. In every aspect of your life. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone. If you want to talk, I can help you, and give you some tips. And i think that it will be good for you and I. Because I have been needing someone to talk to, about this too. Please let me know if you want to talk. :blush:

(Dennis J. Dacey, pwD) #5

Hi Rayna @rwatkin7, I hear what you are saying and I think I can relate to how you are feeling and to how you resist the so-called correct way to live “because you are diabetic”. I hate THAT label. Many years ago I too was in denial - never told anyone at school, and later at work that I had diabetes and ate and drank as if it didn’t matter - “DENIAL”.

I won’t go into the gory details or into how I’m paying now, 60+ years, but I will tell you how I became to “accept” my diabetes and move on. You didn’t mention your age or for how long you have had diabetes so I’ll assume that you are not older than 20.

My outlook on life and what encouraged me to make a little attempt to take care of myself happened in 1965, mid-twenties, when I realized that someone liked me even after I told her I had diabetes - we had been dating then for about 3 months. She didn’t criticize me for eating stuff nor did she push me to see a doctor [this was long before BG Meters] but rather led me by example - we married the next year and she still is my guide. What I’m trying to say to you, try to put forward the real, honest person you are and be optimistic about yourself and life; first, like yourself and others will gather about you. Accept you as a person.

Before I forget, let me welcome you to TypeOneNation - here you will find people with whom you can relate and receive encouragement.

(Andy) #6

Only advice Id say is to dissect everything you’re worrying about into one day increments and go from there. Ask yourself what you can do TODAY to make TODAY a better day than yesterday.
Every day you wake up is a chance at a do-over. Take advantage of it.
30 separate “Todays” adds up to a month. and so on, and so on, and so on.

(Bill) #7

Hi, Rayna @rwatkin7.

First, give us a sense of how old you are. If you are in your teenage years you’ll see many, many threads on this forum from people your age who are experiencing similar feelings to yours, and find themselves struggling with managing diabetes. Your situation is not uncommon. Unfortunately, it can be deadly and/or it can lead to debilitating complications (but you are aware of that).

I am especially concerned about some of what you posted ->

So, is it that you have no one you can talk to about how you feel about having diabetes? And is it that your family believes that “just” checking your blood glucose and taking your insulin “will make it easy”? Hmmm…

My reading of your post makes me think that you would benefit from a little emotional support from your family. But, for whatever reason, they may not be able to appreciate what a challenge it is to be a teenager with diabetes. It’s tough!

I’ll get right to the point - based on the limited information I have, I am of the opinion that you need to visit with your physician alone. Tell her/him that you need someone to talk to about how tough it is living with diabetes. Explain that you don’t feel like you get much support from your family. Tell your physician that you really want to learn how to manage your diabetes but, emotionally, you feel overwhelmed.

If your physician is a thoughtful person, he/she will “hear” what you are saying and will acknowledge that living with diabetes is a real emotional challenge. Your physician will then refer you to a skilled diabetes educator or counselor who will listen to your concerns and will help you begin to find the emotional strength to help yourself learn to manage diabetes. It won’t be easy. But if you keep working with your educator/counselor you will begin to find hope that you can learn to live with diabetes. Then, with practice, you’ll find it easier to manage your diabetes. You’ll begin to feel better physically, and you’ll begin to have more confidence in yourself. Now that would feel better, don’t you think? The alternative (what you have been living through) doesn’t seem too appealing.

Rayna, I’ve had diabetes for more than 60 years now. And in my many years of practice as a neuropsychologist I had occasion to see many, many people who struggled with managing diabetes (and were dying from its complications). I will never tell you that it is easy to do, but, with the right support, you can begin to learn to live well. There are many of us who have.

Please visit with your physician. Explain how you are feeling. Then work hard with a diabetes educator/counselor to change your life the way you say you want to. Please make that “investment” in yourself. You’re worth it!