I am glad that you decided to post. Sounds like we are living similar existances. I wish that Rebecca was able to find some connections as well. I am afraid that I have probably ruined the chance that she will visit Juvenation because she knows that I frequent the site often and just assumes it must be for all the mothers of diabetics that can't stop crying. Our family has dealt with chronic illness for a long time. My son is bipolar. Rebecca has always watched me be the strong one and now I can't hide from her the complete defeat this disease feels like to me. I want to be able to help her manage her health for now and so that she will have good habits when she is on her own. I feel like if she gets sloppy when she is living in a house full of medical personnel and can neglect her health, how will she be when she is at college or moves on to her first home? I can't win. If I try to protect her physical health, I end up harming an already precarious relationship. One that I treasure. If I back off and give her the opportunity to manage this independently, she ends up in ketosis. She says she wants to be trusted and that I don't need to "nag" her but when I take my hands off of it for a time, she really doesn't follow what the endo has told her/us to do. People will tell me not to worry because we will find our middle ground but I am not sure. It feels as if this relationship cannot handle much more conflict.
Becca started her first job this summer as a lifeguard at our local water park. She struggled with where to clip her pump and not feel like, her words, "a complete freakish robot". I told her that I understood that it was going to be something she would have to explain to people but that it wouldn't take long before her coworkers understood what it was and then it wouldn't be any big deal. I gave way to much credit to supervising staff at her job. Everyday she was told to go put her "phone" or "MP3" player away or she would be written up. Not allowed to have pagers. Even people she explained it to would forget and make the same comment the next week. Seriously, give the kid a break. Rebecca lasted five weeks at her new job and decided a job where you had to stand in your swimsuit for hours, was not going to work. Now she is spending her summer hiding in the house, depressed.
We have finally found a counselor Rebecca will return to. It took three tries. Ironically, the counselor that Becca will attend is a cousin of my husbands that he doesn't know very well but learned she had moved to our city. They grew up on opposites sides of the country. I get the feeling Rebecca will talk to her because she thinks of her as family. Hello, I am family!!! Try talking to me!!! Maybe that will come. I mourn the loss of my sweet, trusting, fun loving, giggling, confident baby. I hope she will be back.
I had a patient last week that I think may actually have been an angel. I work in the Recovery Room and her blood pressures were to low to transfer her to her postop room. She ended up being with me for hours, but she was comfortable, stable, but crazy hypotensive. I had been sitting along side her stretcher, watching the monitors, when she opened her eyes and told me this. She said two things. First, our kids may hate us but we love them enough to deal with it. Wow. She hit that one on the nail. Second thing she mumbled was that when our kids are acting out it is rarely because they are intentionally trying to hurt us. They are trying to test out their independence and experience life for themselves, but because they are young and have not seen the consequences of their experiments, they don't know that they can bring negative consequences. It is because we parents (nurses) are on the other side of these experiences that we see their dangers. Much scarier for us than for them. Frustrating as a parent to watch them. One of the revalations I have had is that it makes me angry when Becca doesn't take care of testing or bolusing. I have realized that when she doesn't take care of my most treasured, adored blessing I am angry at her for putting that treasure in jeopardy. Would be nice if they could love themselves in practical ways as much as we love them.
Sorry this is so long. I am told by veterans in this disease that we will overcome this dark hour. That it will get better. I understood your response to "starting not to post because you couldn't offer anything uplifting about the situation". I hope that it helps to know someone understands your feelings. That is what your post did for me. I wish your family best of luck. I am told we will get through this.