Relationship issues


(kneazle_lady) #1

If this accidentally lands in the open forum section, please immediately remove it, and place it in the Adult group.

I am not quite as angry as I was a bit ago, but here goes. I have been in a relationship with a non type 1 for going on seven years. Seven long years. Please, no one who reads this, think that I am putting you in that position. The best I can do is speak in euphemisms. I went to the Adults group, but I am a little uneasy that this posting will land in open forums...

Let's just say that T1 interfered. I am female. I had put in a pump site earlier last night, and it was right next to a nerve and hurt like hell. When this happens (I know some people can relate), I have to keep it in because insurance only pays for so many a month...so it was hurting when...well, anyway. Later tonight it was hurting. Then my blood sugar began dropping so quickly that my feet began to cramp, also later.

Instead of simply accepting this, my SO decides that I am still in pain even after interruption and my saying that I am not and decides that we...should stop. I was still hurting from my site, but it didn't even register, but evidently it showed on my face.

I've been fighting hard to keep checking and treating, and I turned the pump alarms back on...and this month, it's been extremely difficult; as my levels have gotten better, I have felt this darkness creeping in. The better the levels get, the worse I feel in my heart, but the better I feel physically.

When that happened tonight, I let loose with "Well, chalk up another one to T1! Thanks a lot!" and burst into tears. My significant other listened to me cry and talk about how I had felt, and then he said, "You're just feeling sorry for yourself." He then continued by telling me that I should be grateful that I still have my legs, unlike his ex-wife, a T2, who has lost both of hers and had several strokes. Another note: His mother also passed away on July 4 from T2 and breast cancer. While he did not mention his late mother, she was there in his words, if that makes sense. 

I looked at him, and told him that until he has lived inside of my skin, he had no right to judge what I said as self pity. I told him that I didn't feel self pity; I felt anger and frustration and sadness. His response was that those feelings are the same as self pity.

Then he said, "You've had this disease for 28 years. Get over it." And he reached over, pulled earplugs out, squashed them, put them in his ears, said, "I love you. I'm going to bed" lay down, rolled over, and went to sleep.

Does T1 interfere like this for other women? On another side, I know he's endured one of the worst losses imaginable. It's like he did a jump right into the anger stage of grief.

I'm very tired. I feel like a failure. I also feel like someone has just kicked me in the stomach, emotionally.

Has anyone felt like this? I don't want to feel this way. It's so...it just gets old, you know? I have had this disease for 28 years...28 years, and I feel like it has taken some new turn, like it is trying its best to invade every place where joy or love or happiness can be...and just wreck it. Right now, I can't seem to stop crying. I don't understand people who say that they are glad that they have T1. I like my pump for what it can do to make life...more efficient. For what it can do to make T1 management...different. But I don't love being T1. And sometimes, I hate it. This month, it's like the T1 found out that I hate it, and is retaliating.

I should be fine, I think. I should feel great and I just don't. After this tonight, I just needed somewhere to go and leave my heart. Evidently I can't trust non T1 people with anything related to T1. I shouldn't have trusted my SO with this. I took for granted that he understood, but he doesn't, and he is grieving. Four months ago, his mother passed away. I can't expect for him to just be able to listen like that.

So I am posting on here. I am also asking anyone in the adult forum for any insights he or she may have; I know that this is a long post, and I apologize for that. There's three major issues in this; if anyone has insight on any of the three or one of the three, please feel free to respond. I may be snarky on here about life, but I appreciate any responses that are forthcoming.

Issues:

1. intimacy

2. relationships w/people who think you should just be over it already

3. isolation and T1...how to cope with it when you are trying your damndest to take care of yourself

Thank you.


(meme) #2

I hope the hard things in life become easier for you--and I see you as a winner !!!!


(TextingMyPancreas) #3

I think that times like now, what you are going through, is exactly why a site like this exists.  Don't apologize for your post "being too long"...  if they don't like it, they don't have to read it.  You've taken the first good step by reaching out to talk out what you're feeling, instead of bottling it up.  (I used to do that... a lot.)

1.  That has happened to me as well...  with the pump site being sensitive/sore.  Sometimes, you just have to....well... get creative.  Try another configuration.  It is unfortunate that we have to work around it, but that's how we can deal. 

2.  It sounds like you both have a lot to deal with right now.  I think this can also apply to your 3rd question...   it helps to have a support group of people going through a similar situation.  Coming here was a good idea!  You could also see if there are any support groups in your area... it might help to talk some of these issues out with those you don't see day in and day out.

Hope this helps...  I'm sending positive thoughts your way!


(Mary B) #4

Wow.  I have been where you are.  I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.  I have been T1 for 31 years so I know what you are going thru.  There is a definate link between diabetes and depression.  I have fought it my whole life.  Sometimes, I think about the fact that my endo discouraged me from having children and how that has effected my life.  I had to have my "tubes tied" 3 years ago to be able to get off birth control pills and that was the final straw in a long series.  It's hard not to focus on what this disease takes from us.  But it also gives me a perspective on life that not everyone has.  I appreciate every small joyful gesture from my SO.  I appreciate the people I love so much more than a "normal" person.  I never take them or tomorrow for granted. 

I have been told numerous times that I am feeling sorry for myself or that I focus on the disease too much.  NO ONE has the right to tell me that until they've lived this.  I don't get angry at people who say that.  I guess I sort of feel sorry for them that they are so self involved that they don't see outside themselves.  Intimacy with T1 can be challenging.  When my bs is high, I feel bad.  When it's low, I feel bad.  Sometimes it feels like a never ending battle.  And in truth that is what it is.  A battle for your life, sanity and heart.  I agree that the isolation is very hard.  It sometimes feels like no one else on the planet knows what I am going thru.  I sympathize with your SO in the loss of his mother.  But YOU are not his mother.  You are not his ex.  You are who he chooses to be with right this minute.  This being said, he has to accept the WHOLE package.  Not just the parts he likes.  If he was with someone who had cancer, would he tell them to just get over it?  I don't think so.  Ultimately, T1 is terminal.  Just because the outward signs are not there (ie weight loss, hair loss, general sick appearance) doesn't make it any less fatal.  It's just a slower process. 

I completely understand about the darkness in your heart.  There is always a part of my heart that is there.  I think it's something that dies with the pancreas.  Anyway...I hope the best for you.  Hang in there.  Fight as if your life depended on it.  If that fight includes loving him, then so be it.  Hopefully he will be more sensative to your situation.  I often wish the people I was closest to could live life in my body for just one day.  To be able to understand what it truly feels like.  You are not alone.  In spirit I am right there with you.  Only the best to you, honey!


(kneazle_lady) #5

Meme--you are so kind to say this. Sometimes, I feel like I lose everything that means anything. I am still pushing back, if that makes sense. Thank you for your encouragement. And it takes a winner to see one in others.


(kneazle_lady) #6

Kim--your words helped a lot. I think your positive thoughts did as well. I went and looked and located a chapter of the JDRF that meets in my city, Greenville. They don't do support groups, though. I appreciate your kind words greatly.


(kneazle_lady) #7

Mary B, thank you as well for what you have said. I think there's a part (sort of like you mentioned) of me, a pre type 1 part, that rebels and loathes this constant fight for temporary wellness. I think of what nature intended, but I try to move away from that. I sometimes wonder if the good control and changes in levels plus insulin is like a depressant. I wonder if the Humalog is making me feel pain like this. It never fails that I feel like this when I tend to what needs tending.

I don't know...I appreciate all of the responses because they didn't tell me that I was somehow flawed for still feeling this way. Human empathy is a rare quality. People are taught to scorn themselves and each other so easily, the less reflection on it, the better.

Thank you again.


(Maikuru) #8

Don't feel bad Crochet. This is pretty common issue with people who have helath issues like we do when we are in relationships with people who have yet to a step in our shoes much less three years in our worn sandals.  In 2004 i had hypoclycemic reaction at work and fell twenty feet off a ladder.  When i awoke in the hospital a week later i found a dear john letter from my fiance whom i was about to marry in three months. She said she couldn't handle my health issues any more and worried that she might be marrying someone she would have to bury within a few years.  So she closed up shop on our apartment, left me a glad trash bag full of clothes and moved away to Texas.  Add to that i had lost my job and had nowhere to go but to live on the streets for the next six months.  Most "normal" people can tend to be both ignorant in some cases or just outright insensetive to reality that is our lives with diabetes.  Empathy is skill most people go through their lives failing to develop. Only people near death or dealing with health issues seem to have any skill in it. Ultimately when it comes to relationships i think there are people out there with the right stuff. The problem most of us face is we get into a relationship thinking we have to change some aspect of ourselves to keep the other person in our lives. The truth is we all have our own little quirks and expectations that in truth we need to hold on to.  I myself have given up chasing the ghost as it were. I have my standards in my life and i wont make the mistake of ever lowering them agian. I am working on college to prepare for a life when doing manual labor is no longer going to be plausible and should the right one come along on the way there then i will pause to settle down. But right now i am 28 and have gone through my mid life crisis so all i want to do now is live my life the way i always wanted to and not the way the "normal world" has said it should be. If i am lucky i will make to 50 to 60 years of age and maybe somewhere along the way have a family but i no longer feel the need to chase the illusion of a normal life.  I want to travel, complete my degree and wake up in the morning feeling like i am chasing my own version of happiness. That is something i think we are all entitled to given how screwed up our lives have been. Don't accept anything in your life that you don't want there. Diabetes didn't give us much of a choice so we really have to treasure the choices we can make in our lives. Hang in there....


(kneazle_lady) #9

Michael Nichols...wow. That person sounds very cruel and...I can't even think of the word. What you shared made me grateful for what I have. I wish you the best in college. If I am not prying, what are you planning on studying?

Things seem to be getting manageable for now. I am trying to remember that I should not try to change myself to suit another's idea of what I ought to be. It's amazing how difficult that is sometimes.


(Mary B) #10

Yeah.  The changing ourselves for someone else is a difficult thing not to do.  Most "normal" people don't understand the day to day frustration of living with this disease.  It is challenging to say the least.  I keep trying to remind myself just to do the best I can in the moment and hope the people I love understand.  I actually hid the disease for many years and downplayed ti's effect on my life.  I have "friends" who tell me I focus too much on the diabetes.  How else am I supposed to live?  It effects everything we do.  Every decision we make.  I recently had a conversation with my SO following a particularly bad dr's visit.  I am not sure he's crazy about being with someone he might have to make funeral arrangement for in the next few years.  Or putting his 14 year old son through that loss.  All I can do is love him and hope the disease doesn't rob me of this too.


(Maikuru) #11

My Father was the same way Mary. Like your "friends"(which i am sure you realize real friends would never say such things) he said i spent too much time focusing on my diabetes and even said i used it as a crutch in my life. He was from the military and viewed most of my health issues as just an excuse or a sign of weakness.  Truth is anyone who does not have the diesease frankly can not nor will they ever understand what it is we are going through.  Ironically karma works in mysterious ways. My father was diagnosed with type two diabetes five months ago.  When he had his first severe low blood sugar and ended up in the hospital the reality of what i had been going through the last twenty one years hit him. He looked at me from his hospital bed and said," So this is what it feels like?"  I replied,"Yeah it sucks and the only difference is when i woke up there was nobody next to my hospital bed."  Ironic that my 52 year old father had to let his 28 year old son teach him how take his bloodsugar and take shots in the end.  Our path is not easy and this is even more true when it comes to our personal relationships. In a way i think our diabetes has made us stronger, wiser, more sincere and compassionate people then others are mostly. I wouldn't  trade that for anything.  The only thing this diesease can truly rob us of is the ease of of others understanding and relating to us. But everybody eventually reaches this understanding when they begin to realize their own mortality, sadly most don't realize it till they are in a nursing home though. When it comes to health i make no compromises. Doesn't matter if your my friend, relative,co-worker, boss, supervisor, girlfriend or wife. I always make that clear in any type of relationship i get into. If they can't deal with that, its their problem not mine. I don't have the time to waste listening to or putting up with people like that. That is why i have a middle finger i like to say.     Oh to  answer you question crochet...i am getting a degree in IT/Web Design.  I am a bit of an artist and like computers so i figured if i have to go to a desk job one that would be where i would want to go.  Point is when comes to relationships like i said about standards earlier, don't make any compromises.  If ia m dating someone and they can't handle the fact i have a health issue there is no way in hades i would want to spend the rest of my life trying to keep that person in life.  I am not going hide who or what i am much less sit there and pretend to be something i am not just to keep someone else happy.  Whenever someone trys to tell me bull about my health i chew them out and leave egg on their face. I grew up taking bull and being roughed up for being sick and unhealthy so i am not about to take it from anybody else and none of you should either.


(BrianSpadt) #12

Crochet,

I am new to the site, but it is things like your post that have led me to be a big fan so far.  I have been married for three years now, my wife is great and understands that she can't understand what it is like to have T1.  You can't settle for someone who tries to fix you, change you, or make you feel guilty about your life with T1.  My wife doesn't do that and that is why, among many other reasons, that I married her.  I was like Mike when I met her.  I was focused on my life, and she came out of nowhere and changed my life again for the better.  She still doesn't "understand" T1.  Sometimes she still gets confused, like last week when I had really low bs when I woke up and she asked if I wanted her to get my insulin?  She does anything she can to help and supports my battle with T1.

I hope you are working things out for yourself, no matter what path that means choosing.  Always know you are not alone in your struggle. 


(kneazle_lady) #13

Brian, Michael, Mary, meme, Kim, et al :-)

I go back and forth. There are good moments where understanding is expressed, but I have stopped talking about it. I get tired, though. I don't feel like I can ever expect to have a friend who lived in this town with or without T1 who didn't eventually try to exploit the "tragedy" for emotional gain at my expense or say inaccurate, stupid, or destructive things about T1. It would be nice. It is impossible.

I am glad that people write on here about going through and living through poor treatment on here and that people write about kindness as well. Both situations give me a sense of human warmth. I am glad that this site is here and that I get to hear that people out there have met non T1s who don't treat them as unsuitable disappointments. It gives me a sense of...what is the word? I think it makes me happy.  I am also glad that I get to hear about people who have been through hell and returned, intact. I am glad to hear about survivors. Emotional survivers and physical survivors. I like that people on here tell the truth about themselves--the good with the not so good, the anger with the relief. I like that people are real with each other on here.

It makes me feel like I am not alone when I am on here. I feel alone most of the time out there. Out of the blue, someone will say something that I neither asked for nor expected, though. Some of it is awkward, most of it is thoughtless, and the rare moments--one human to another moments--are like sunlight, warmth, there for a second, remembered for a lifetime.

This place is sunlight for me. I hope it is like that for others. I would like to thank each one of you who responded because I come back to this discussion and read the responses again, and I remind myself that I do have value and that what I go through is real and that some people out there care and understand.


(tinaann67) #14

I know its a month later but I just joined last night. I really do relate to so much of what you talk about in your post. I myself was diagnosed in 76, I was 9. I remember elementry kids being pissed me cuz I got to eat an apple in class and they didn't. In middle and high school I remember scaring boys a way when I shoot up before lunch. I am sure you know how all that goes. I am going to be 42 next month and I have never been married, I have not a had a relationship last more than 3 years.

10 years ago I met the man of my dreams we were in love I thought he was the one, after a years time one night I went into a low , so low he couldn't bring me out, I was being a bitch and would not eat or drink so he called ems but in the meantime I apparantly said all sorts of mean evil wicked things to him. He thought it was like how a drunk speaks the truth when well drunk. when I came back to I could not stop vomitting so of course they took me in and  when I came home the next day he was gone.

Then theres my mom, after 33 yrs she still doesn't get it. she wanted me to come over the other morning I told her it would be a while becuase I had pulled my tubing out in the night before so I was over 500 when I woke up. It takes me about 3 hours to come out of that, I finally get to her house and she says how are you I say still high she says "let me make you something to eat". Really mom.

I'm not gonna lie, it doesn't get easy, ever. I don't know about you or others but when I go low which seems too often, lately I find myself in this parralel universe where I can see me just me (in my isolation) so helpless and confused I fight with myself on what to do about it, luckily somehow I manage to here the voice that says undo your pump and go drink some coke. I have an 18 son and a 13 year old daughter that need me here in this universe. Honestly they are the only ones that get me, they know whether I am low or high, they know what to do to fix it.

I get you and I understand you..:)

Tina

 1 ps   when I hit a nerve like that I pull it out and then just use the next 2 or 3 for an extra day so that it all evens out for the month.....1 extra day is better than 3 days of pain.


(kneazle_lady) #15

Tina,

I get like that when I am low as well. It's like the instinct to whatever...treat and exist...just vanishes into this kind of what I describe as existential oblivion. I look at every thing around me, and the world goes silent, and I don't hear its call...and some still, small voice wakes me up...or my cat does...usually it's the cat...then the cat and the dog...then the other cats chime in...it gets pretty loud...all that barking and howling...

I think at a certain point the low levels erase all emotion somehow...not beforehand, though...

I'm on guard at times...and I always carry that fear that one day, he will just say, "That's it," and leave. My father was with my mother for 23 years, and then one day, he just said, "Goodbye," and left her. I think she's happier now for it. He deliberated about it for years, confiding in me, etc. So I watched this sort of slow, deliberate planning...She didn't know about it, but I did. I heard him plan and plan. He confided in me. Why, I don't know. I don't think it ever occured to him that his thoughts in this matter were not appropriate for his teenage daughter to hear.

I think it changed me in some way that can't be reversed. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's not as much now, but I still, really, feel more like a liability...more trouble, eventual heartbreak, it can't end well...and so on...I feel like in my case, it's the T1, somehow, that will push him away.

We've been through some awful things together. Awful. We've made it seven years. But I think when I say we, what I really mean is that versions of us were together for a time, then other versions came along, so it's a little like several different relationships over seven years, in phases, all very different from each other, between the same physical beings. Maybe strange and disastrous calamities keep us from becoming fixed in the same stone my parents were.

And the idea about the pump sites is wonderful. I keep one site in for a week or longer. In all this time, it never occurred to me to try the additional day...