What if I don’t want to inject anymore? I am sick and tired of injecting myself and getting very little out of it. I mean yeah I can eat food in 20 minutes but really 45 grams of carbs? Yes cause a sandwich is enough for lunch, nevermind that shortbread (one of my favourite snacks is now completely out of the window. Whenever I inject (it’s sometimes painful) I can’t help but think…what for, an amount of food that doesn’t last me till lunch or dinner. Little amounts of food and mostly I don’t enjoy the food that I do eat. I used to eat what I have for lunch now, whenever I wanted, be it before dinner or after breakfast. Now I would just lie down go to sleep from high blood sugar if I ate when I wanted. Often I think “yeah this isn’t so bad” but then I’m like oh wait you can’t just go to the kitchen and have a apple because you want to. Oh and no party snacks, because afterwards you’ll never sleep not that I do anymore anyway. If I could go to the kitchen right now and eat a biscuit because I wanted to, that’d Be great I wouldn’t have a single problem with this, but that is not the case. I have to live off of fumes and somehow comfortably make it to the next meal. That’s why I just can’t help but wonder, why do I even inject in the first place if it gets me literally no reward or outcome, all it does is hurt me both literally and figuratively. They said… sorry, everyone said “don’t worry it gets easier” they lied. It gets harder and all someone has to do then is push you over the edge (quite small edge I might add). Once you’ve fallen over the edge you end up with a message like this going to some random person who takes the time to read about some other random persons problem. I was offered short bread today, by someone who clearly new I could not have it. After saying no to continue talking in a conversation without showing any anger or frustration was difficult. What bothers me the most is that they shrug it off like a joke, meanwhile I could probably tie them to to the bottom of a dock at low tide I’m so angry. I am christian and will remain Christian, but to believe in a father that chooses his child, I mean me… the guy who hasn’t killed anyone or done anything wrong… yeah let’s put the degrading desease on him… seems fitting.
Sorry for the Essay. It’s late…like 11:30pm. So anger is bound to become obvious, however I stand by my arguement. It’s wrong, so wrong… I can’t deal with injecting anymore. I need a cure… now, not in six years (probably). Please to save my sanity.