What if I give up...?


(SuperSam101) #1

What if I don’t want to inject anymore? I am sick and tired of injecting myself and getting very little out of it. I mean yeah I can eat food in 20 minutes but really 45 grams of carbs? Yes cause a sandwich is enough for lunch, nevermind that shortbread (one of my favourite snacks is now completely out of the window. Whenever I inject (it’s sometimes painful) I can’t help but think…what for, an amount of food that doesn’t last me till lunch or dinner. Little amounts of food and mostly I don’t enjoy the food that I do eat. I used to eat what I have for lunch now, whenever I wanted, be it before dinner or after breakfast. Now I would just lie down go to sleep from high blood sugar if I ate when I wanted. Often I think “yeah this isn’t so bad” but then I’m like oh wait you can’t just go to the kitchen and have a apple because you want to. Oh and no party snacks, because afterwards you’ll never sleep not that I do anymore anyway. If I could go to the kitchen right now and eat a biscuit because I wanted to, that’d Be great I wouldn’t have a single problem with this, but that is not the case. I have to live off of fumes and somehow comfortably make it to the next meal. That’s why I just can’t help but wonder, why do I even inject in the first place if it gets me literally no reward or outcome, all it does is hurt me both literally and figuratively. They said… sorry, everyone said “don’t worry it gets easier” they lied. It gets harder and all someone has to do then is push you over the edge (quite small edge I might add). Once you’ve fallen over the edge you end up with a message like this going to some random person who takes the time to read about some other random persons problem. I was offered short bread today, by someone who clearly new I could not have it. After saying no to continue talking in a conversation without showing any anger or frustration was difficult. What bothers me the most is that they shrug it off like a joke, meanwhile I could probably tie them to to the bottom of a dock at low tide I’m so angry. I am christian and will remain Christian, but to believe in a father that chooses his child, I mean me… the guy who hasn’t killed anyone or done anything wrong… yeah let’s put the degrading desease on him… seems fitting.

Sorry for the Essay. It’s late…like 11:30pm. So anger is bound to become obvious, however I stand by my arguement. It’s wrong, so wrong… I can’t deal with injecting anymore. I need a cure… now, not in six years (probably). Please to save my sanity.


(patel41480) #2

Hello Supersam. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. I definitely understand the frustration! It may be time to try new insulin or new dosage. Yes, there are always going to be good you can’t eat.
I eat what I want(to an extent) when I want–in moderation! Have a piece of cake not a whole cake. Exercise if you want the extra junk food.
Most people don’t understand what we have to go through. So forgive them. Only you know what you need.
Write anytime!!
Good luck!!!


(Thomas Byrne) #3

@supersam101

I hated giving shots because they would always hurt and my arms and legs would be sore. Moving on to a pump (Omnipod) has really helped me because there is almost no pain and my legs and arms are healing, look into this. If you want more food, talk to your doctor about it. An insulin increase can always happen or you could start an exercise routine that would also make you feel rejuvenated. The jokes, teasing, and taunting will never stop because some people are just plain jerks. They do not understand what you are going through and they probably never will. Heck, my own brother makes fun of me sometimes. The important thing is that you continue to take care of yourself, shrugging off the comments. If you show a reaction to the teasing, it will always continue…

When you mentioned “why me God” I thought about a story I had read that had nothing to do with diabetes. A wonderful idea I gained from it was, would you rather have someone else endure the suffering you have? Biological diseases like this are unfair because we have done nothing wrong but we have to live with them and that is OK. You have found a great community to seek support in, feel free to message me with anything further you want to discuss.


(Jeanne) #4

Hi @supersam101, I relate to your hatred of needles but I replied to your post to tell you to never ever give up. No matter how much you feel like you want to. Never let anyone take satisfaction from your pain and always fight against the unjust. Love yourself, keep your chin held high and know that you can do this.
I have a fear of needles so when I inject I say (out loud) ‘it’s okay, you can do this. You’re strong, you got this’. I know it’s corny and won’t always work but it really helps me.
Also im new to this so forgive me if this does not help at all but I tried ahi tuna the other day and added that to my meal rotation and it helped me. Just because it’s delicious and filling. That’s what I’ve been doing, buying a fancy steak or lobster, it makes me feel like a person again, a full and satisfied person. It even made the vegetables taste better lol. Death to needles!


(joe) #5

@supersam101 given the choice, i’d rather live. it’s all it comes down to really. your choice is up to you.

I can tell you that in the 38 years since I was diagnosed, things (both good and bad) have happened to me that I wouldn’t have predicted, that I wouldn’t have dreamed of, and that I would never have wanted to miss.

not taking insulin is a pretty gruesome way to go - just saying. so maybe there is no one to save you, and maybe you shouldn’t ever eat shortbread again… what do you want to do? I mean - you aren’t going to get a second act, life ain’t a dress rehearsal… there’s just you and there’s just now so what’s next?


(SuperSam101) #6

I’m going to reply to all three of you awesome guys/girls (gender equality) at the same time.

The first topic then, I guess is exercise routine. I do have one currently. I run on saterday mornings in the park run and run on Tuesday afternoons.

The next topic will be the fancy foods, like lobster, crayfish, steak and sushi etc. I do treat myself and I definitely have good food every now and then. The read I say now and then is because I cannot afford to have such expensive food at every meal. It is a good suggestion and I hope lots of people do treat themselves in this way, but it’s not feasible to have all the time.

I left this one for last because I may (or may not) ramble on about this for a bit too long. The topic is… would I put this “curse” onto someone else in the world. It really depends on the way the question is looked at. If it was to be put on the person and I would have still experienced the traumatic experienced and remembered everything, the answer would be yes. If I were To place it onto someone and not remember a thing, the answer would be no (disgustingly). For now I’ll keep to me remembering everything. I can clearly say that I would definitely place the disease onto someone else. I would put it on my friends for crying out loud. I don’t care about them that much. All they are to me now are separate entities crawling around looking for purpose, they are rather ridiculous. They poke fun at me and continuously make jokes about it. I can handle the jokes, however if they were in my shoes they wouldn’t even last a day. After that there’s just the cliche answer of giving it to some other evil person in the world currently.

If I would not remember any of this my answer would be no. Purely because I’ve learned from this (insert cliche about learning to spare each moment) that I should actually be aware of who I am talking to. I always new what Diabetes was…and how it worked and what people did, almost everything, except the pain that it brings with it and that no one else gives a damn what you say once you have the disease. When I was diagnosed the hospital told my parents (duh) and they in return told the school. I really wish they didn’t because once people new I was Diabetic my opinion on anything disappeared and important conversations turned to jokes about diabetes. I’ve read… a lot and I could probably almost cure the disease by now (if I had the money)

This is now a new topic…

Why I am way better than the health organizations. I have read and I know how this world works, I’m not stupid. The organizations think they can hide behind their claims that they need funding, and that they will have the cure in 6 years or 10 years or whatever time length they want. The actual truth is… they are lying. They are cold evil people. Hiding behind their corrupt barriers, waiting for 6 years of bribery. Not time to discover a cure. Diabetes is expensive to maintain and cutting off the money from medical supplies would affect the economy massively. So they delay and delay until eventually they will have enough money, but money is what it is and they want more and more the more they get. I know I might sound like a conspiracy theorist right now, but where on earth does 450000… dollars go? In my country (not telling :P) I could buy a house and live the rest of my life without having to work. Oh but no, “we need more bribery than that to release the cure. If they gave me the money I could probably get the cure within 2 years minimum. I know what needs to be done and how to do it. All I need is time…and money. The same as everyone else, but I’m not easily blinded by a piece of highly processed wood like other people.

This is not conspiracy…it’s true…probably

The way to tell is that a conspiracy theorist would have probably mentioned that none of the world leaders have the disease. Therefore (using some fancy words and numbers) there must be a cure because none of them are “sick”.

Yeah no, that’s conspiracy this, this is lies. Complete lies that we are forced to believe by society. Over the years I would think that 40 billion dollars would get you a cure? Don’t you think?

The actual person that I would put the disease onto is the scientist that holds back information about the cure. When all of a sudden he is in our shoes he might change his mind and decide that maybe, just maybe his Island, Ferrari, mega yacht and cruise liner is enough to keep himself satisfied.

Here’s the next essay enjoy you guys.
@byrnethom @patel41480 @joe @JeanneMS


(joe) #7

@supersam101 i sure hope this isn’t bait.

i can’t out filibuster you, so let me just say this:
the financial model of one giant evil company secretly holding a cure so they can make money on test strips may comfort you but it isn’t real, simply, because capitalism is cut-throat.

example: eli lilly makes money on insulin
medtronic makes money on infusion sets
becton-dickinson makes money on syringes

there isn’t a major pharma on this planet that wouldn’t instantly cut all of their (the above) throats if they came up with a workable cure in the form of a vaccine/gene therapy.

because proof of concept comes from a variety of sources such as private firms, publicly funded and from government and giant institutes for learning, there just isn’t one giant evil monopoly profiting or the sole source of research and control of what is being sold at market. you can’t control who’s making money and when the going gets rough, pharma will eat each other for breakfast.

but hey, if you want to believe something else, don’t let me get in the way, however please don’t hate the scientists. I see them every day and a PhD gets you half a shared office and the same crappy health benefits as the rest of the workforce. if you gotta hate, hate the executives - now there’s ripe targets a plenty!


(SuperSam101) #8

@joe yeah I know XD

That was my kind of a spoof of a conspiracy theory. What I do believe in, however is that the governments benefit because you are paying for the medicine as a kind of tax. The money eventually filters out and goes back to the country and they get you as a working human to waste a few hours on medication tax. I do respect doctors and professors, because it’s difficult work. The ones I’ve spoken too, however can be really stupid.


(joe) #9

i do enjoy your sense of humor @supersam101


(SuperSam101) #10

@joe yeah bit sarcastic, but whatever. xD


(Thomas Byrne) #11

I’d consider myself to be a superhero for enduring a disease someone else does not have to. You are saving someone else from having to go through this, why not praise yourself?

If the cure existed, the government could not control it. There are always people who leak secrets like Snowdon.


(SuperSam101) #12

Yeah I know, it is frustrating knowing that millions upon millions go into so called “research” and they still don’t have the cure! @byrnethom


(AML127) #13

I totally understand. I also struggle with these ‘issues’. Ive Had t1d for 32 years. I was diagnosed in kindergarten. About two weeks after my last birthday party — I was diagnosed. Literally no more birthday celebration after diagnosis. As if the disease didn’t already make me feel different. My parents turned to religion for ‘hope’ so I grew up in church and traveled all over for evangelist to pray for my healing. And of course healing never came. I REALLY struggle with this. If god loves me. And if he has the power to heal. Why would he let me suffer. And ke me go blind and all the other complications. All the anxiety, loneliness, etc.
so I don’t know what I believe anymore. If there is a god he either doesn’t heal or doesn’t love me. Is there a god? I’m so confused. And people don’t understand my religious issues anymore than they understand my disease. I HATE this disease and how worthless I feel because of my disease.
The financial burden is awful. The pain is awful. The anxiety is awful. This disease is awful. I’ve said many times that I wish I’d simply died at diagnosis. Other people say ‘at least you don’t have cancer’. Well
Cancer either differs death or remission. Diabetes t1d can also cause death by no remission… so why am I suppose to be thankful.
No one understand my struggles and few understand the disease. Remission would be great for us!!! A cure would be great for us!!! Understanding and supportive people would be great! But we probably won’t receive any of those. Best of luck!!! And feel free to message me if you need me!


(SuperSam101) #14

@aml127 I am going to reply to your response in order of importance (according to me) There is a God, he is great, but in my eyes he is a terrible father. Leaving us to suffer looking forward to some promised land is not the way to teach a child. I would never put my child in desert and tell him that once he has suffered enough I will give him a marshmellow. He does exist because none of this can happen by accident. He just needs to re-think his “teaching” methods.

Next up is that I too had the whole doing chakra and stuff to try and “heal” my body. I only did it because it made my mother feel more comfortable. I don’t believe in magic. “Any advanced technology is indifferent to magic.” and throwing bones is no technology at all. The only method that i could actually believe is quantum mechanics. Sending electronic pulses to your brains nervous centre does make sense, however its effects are marginal. Obviously, like you said before, nothing worked.

The last thing i would like to comment upon is “at least it’s not cancer”. Yes it’s not cancer. Cancer you could die before diagnosis, you wont die from a hyper/hypoglycemic coma. Cancer is definite you either make it or you don’t. If you make it thumbs up you don’t need to worry anymore. If you don’t make it well… see ya later. Diabetes you will make it and you then have to deal with the pain every day. Cancer doesn’t punish you every day. It’s not like you wake up after being “cured” and go, “ugh I have cancer can’t move too quickly, my bones hurt etc”. With this disgusting excuse for a disease you wake up to pain, sleep with pain, live with pain. This is why one of the main reasons I look down on everyone from diagnosis onward. I watch them (people) while they complain about petty problems that aren’t even noteworthy. I just stand there and nod, pretending to be interested in their pathetic problem. It really gets on my nerve as well when someone says, oh you have diabetes? That must suck. I’m just like “No, you don’t say. Totally doesn’t suck having my life shortened by 15 years.”

Anyway, we as a community live in debt after surviving. While Cancer patients live without debt, no more payments nothing. I don’t care if your father had cancer, is he alive? That’s what matters. If he died then I will show some sociably acceptable response. It is cruel and ruthless to say it like this, but it is true. What matters is now, not then. Those dark times when he had cancer are gone, so be happy. Our dark times are still around. We still have the disease, nothing has changed except for our view on humanity and it’s somewhat pathetic “society”.

Thanks for reading in advance hope this helps you.


(AML127) #15

Hyperglycemia and hypoglycemia can be fatal. In college a classmate lost her t1d daughter to hypoglycemia. And I have also lost a friend to DKA from hyperglycemia.

And you’re right other people just don’t get this disease. They think we just can’t eat sugar. And they think we just need to exercise and lose weight to cure the disease regardless of our size. Most people are only somewhat familiar with Diabetes in reference to type twos. And I hate that. Type ones are different! But people don’t seem to know that it listen to that.

We have an invisible disease. And this invisible disease makes me feel invisible and my Struggles invisible…especially to family, “friends”, and ignorant/outspoken folks. So I don’t deal with people anymore. I don’t go out with friends or family and I darn sure don’t socialize. Because it’s less hurtful to be lonely than to deal with feeling invisible and hurtful comments and inconsiderate folks.

I’m so sorry for your struggles…And all t1d’s who struggle. But know this, you’re not alone. I know because I struggle!!! And I hate this disease and beg for a ‘vacation’ from this disease or even a cure. But again I have no expectations for that. I want to just give up some days and quit trying.

And the god issue or ‘bad father’ issue/ I still don’t know what I believe but I do know it hasn’t been an answer to my issues and hasn’t been position in my life. Best of luck and I’m here if you need to vent or chat.


(Thomas Byrne) #16

@supersam101 @aml127 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NOTU1g0Z8w This video should help with some explaining of God.


(SuperSam101) #17

@aml127 yeah hyper:hypoglycemia can kill, and this may sound relentless, but if you die from hypoglycemia, chances are you were weak already from something else. I had a blood sugar of 37 when I was diagnosed. I swear I had a choice of whether to go or stay. I chose to stay, because I’m not done here yet. People need me…


(Nancy) #18

Supersam, my recommendation is an attitude adjustment. Perusing this thread has made me angry with you. I was diagnosed in 1966, I was 10 months old. My parents had to chase me 3-4x day to give me a shot with a glass syringe that had to be sterilized a bath of alcohol. Talk about pain.
Advance in time 9 years. I was sent to summer camp for T1s. Learned how to give my own shots, but also that food was bad. Not all, but still, tell a little kid not to eat cookies, chips, pretzels, candies, cake, etc and what do you think she’ll do? BINGO. I got very adept at scaling kitchen cabinets and throwing my younger brother and sister under the bus.
Let’s advance another 10 or so years to college. As I’m a Yank, and we’re talking the late '80s, I had to get my own health insurance. So I used the college health coverage and the heath services on campus. They’re taking my blood and telling me my test result for A1c was 15. I didn’t know that from Adam, so I wasn’t phased. A few more of those and a trip to my endo gave me a crash course in modern dbx care! Yep, I was killing me! A few weeks later and I’m in a diabetes ed class learning new tech.
So now I’m 25 and talking a mix of Lantus and Humalog. But of course, you can’t (couldn’t then) mix those, so count with me, that’s at least 2 shots. That was at bed time. So that meant at breakfast, a shot to cover. At lunch, a shot to cover. An afternoon snack? Yep, a shot. Dinner, yep, another. Couple drinks and a nosh after closing the restaurant? Yep, another. Are you keeping track, I’ve lost count, but minimum 6, max 9 shots a day! I’ve been on a pump for close to 20 years and I still have scar tissue in my arms, abdomen, thighs, and hips/buttocks. Can you say pain?
As I noted, I’m now on a pump. I’m still fighting to keep an even keel. Besides food, there’s stress, illness, how fatty is the food, caffine, insertion site, age of the reservoir, moon phase, stock market, and price of rice in China that affects control (the last three are intentionally snark).
So, you are clearly not alone in frustration over needing to account for balancing meds and food.
And I’m going to reinforece what several others have said. YES, you can stop taking insulin. YES you can continue to take insulin whenever and eat as you used to. YES, it is your choice. But you might want to visit the Intesive Care Department of your local hospital to see pt in DKA. Or Google people dying from malnutrion. Its not quick, by any stretch of the imagination. Your brain gets foggy, you get evil-mad to everyone around you (that’s your brain starving) the toxins build up from ketones, which is your body burning fatty tissue to feed your brain and organs, but the nutrients can’t enter cells without insulin. As your glucose levels rise in your blood stream, your kidneys are working overtime to rid all the toxins and extra sugar, which sends you ultimately into renal failure.
And those are just some random things that happen if you give up.

But the real answer, if you give up, you are abandoning your family. You are wasting precious resources of the medical community that someone fighting to stay alive can use while the docs are attempting to keep your ungrateful ass alive.
And most importantly, you let this stupid fucking disease beat you. BEAT YOU.
So when you have the opportunity to reassess you have the tools to keep you alive and the dignity and smarts to do it, change your tune. There are 1000s of us who want to live, beat ourselves up trying to tame this beast, pick ourselves up daily to try again. We find our own rhythm and what works for us. We don’t boohoo in a public forum looking for sympathy. Because we’ve all been there, and we’re all still here, fighting every day.


(Dennis J. Dacey, PWD) #19

Thank You, thank you, THANK YOU Nancy @nannimae .

Thank you for writing so clearly, your message is loud, clear and tells it like it is. I just hope it is read, understood and taken to heart. I remember getting two stainless steel needles that I used year after yer after year and having to wait a couple of days to get the result of a blood test. In 1957 when I was diagnosed blood would be taken from a vein, sent to a lab where the blood would be added to yeast and a few days later a technician would take a reading.

Somehow you and I survived - and there were many real horrors over the years. I don’t know about you, but along the way my attitude about diabetes had a turn around and at some point I decided that the doctors’ estimation of lifespan for PWD [10 - 15 years] was not what I wanted so I’ve so now 50 years after I was supposed to be in the ground I’m still going strong and enjoying life.


(Nancy) #20

Dennis, I’m 12 years past the age my doc told me I wouldn’t live to! Huge advances! I, too, have had a 180° turn around. Dbx ain’t nothing but a thing! Keep rocking!