Wondering if it's worth it anymore

(Susan) #21

Hi Rayanne:
Thought I’d add my 5 cents to the awesome support you’ve already received. I’ve been T1D for 45 years, and when I was diagnosed at age 12 I thought my life was over. My parents didn’t handle it well, and I didn’t always deal in a healthy way with being diabetic, but after a few years of depression and having the same thoughts as you’re having now, I developed a “warrior” attitude, and haven’t let this disease get me down. I’ve never let it stop me from doing what I wanted to do in life, and my Higher Power has been there for me every step of the way.

When you say, “All I’m doing is causing destruction,” that is a “black and white” statement that means you are not doing ANYTHING right, and it is completely false. One piece of advice: do whatever you need to do to get that 1100 bs down. If your current doctor is not helping you, change doctors. There are many people on this forum who have had T1D for multiple decades with very few or no side effects, and we want to pull you onboard. You CAN do this, and these problems WILL PASS. When you say:

“Sometimes i feel like everyone’s right tho. I should’ve died. If i had, people would be better off…”

that sounds like depression, which my first endocrinologist told me is VERY common in people with T1D., and I’ve been through that too. Long story short, these problems you’re going through are TEMPORARY, and there are solutions for all of them. Hang in there, take it one day at at time, and please let us know how you’re doing.

(Katy) #22

Hi Rayanne,
I used to feel the same exact way, and I have days where doubts still pop into my head if this fight is worth it anymore. But we are here, we are alive, we are breathing. We are no different than anyone else, besides the fact that we have to work a little harder each and every day to stay alive. I believe in the Lord, and I do not think that I would be able to make it through this disease without the love and the peace I get from Him when days just seem long and hard. Someone told me once “there is no such thing as a bad diabetic” and that has truly stayed with me. I have had diabetes for 8 years now and there has been months where I haven’t checked my blood sugar at all and just tried to ignore it all together. BUT I am here now, working hard, with support from others around the world who are battling the same disease. One thing I can say about diabetes is that it truly brings people together and we are always here with a listening ear. Don’t give up. You are stronger and better than that. Lots of love being sent your way.

(Sarah) #23

Please hang in there, love. I have only had T1 for about a year and a half, and know how burnt out I feel sometimes, so can only imagine what you must be going through. Living with T1 is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. On the one hand it is amazing that we can thrive with this disease, but it certainly takes work and, because of that (IMO), whenever we get a “bad” bg reading we entirely blame ourselves. The truth of it is, we can do everything “right” and still have outcomes that make us feel like sh*t. BUT, it important to remember the times when we totally guess-timate a bolus and our bg ended up pretty good! It is really easy to fixate on the unwanted outcomes and forget the times we were victorious. I completely understand that this is easier said than done, as I find it hard to do sometimes!

The second hardest thing I have ever had to do is deal with depression, which I am currently doing. I highly, highly recommend seeking out a therapist as I believe that this has been the most powerful tool I have found to cut through the BS that our mind comes up with. It’s important to know that it comes and goes, but if you start working with someone they will help you come up with effective strategies that you can use whenever you feel those dark thought coming (not sure if you are a Harry Potter fan, but I like to call them Dementors :wink: )

Sorry for the long post, but I hope you find some solace in it :slightly_smiling_face:
I really started to feel better when I joined the online T1D community. There are a ton of positive T1 people on Instagram that have really helped me to realize that EVERYONE with this disease has good days and bad days. I have never felt so understood and welcomed, even by people I have never met before.

If you are interested, beyondtype1, ihavethesugars, pancreaspals, robhowe21, cfallabel, happypancrease, betacellpodcast, yourejustmytype1 – these are a good place to start for Insta. There are also a lot of amazing podcasts as well; BetaCell, Out of Range, Pancrease Pals, Diabetics Doing Things.

Find the ones that speak to you and go from there. This is a journey and we are ALL here for each other!

Sending you lots of love and virtual hugs <3


(Spring) #24

Hi Sarah,

I am really new to Type One Nation and am not quite sure you response is directed at me. If it is, thank you so much for replying and sending encouragement.

I have dealt with depression for approximately 20 years, and I was diagnosed with major depression with anxiety two years ago. I do see a counselor and in the beginning of our meetings she recommended I attend a HOP program and I did. I really appreciated the help I got there and now attend the “graduated” weekly meetings as well as seeing my counselor and psychiatrist. This past year has had up and downs, the up was the birth of granddaughter, the downs were her being diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis and the unexpected passing of my dad three months ago. I love my granddaughter and enjoy every second I have with her and grateful she is still doing extremely well at this time. She is determined, focused and a fighter! My dad was a rock for me for so many years after he retired from the Coast Guard; his retirement was an agreement between my parents so he could be home and spend time with his children and for her to move forward in her career. I bought him a sign, “Dad…a daughter’s first love” and for me it is true.

There are days when I think “the hell with it” but go the opposite direction because I don’t know anything else but fighting to keep going to not let the diabetes, depression and anxiety to win. That is tiresome too.:blush:

Thank you for sharing those sites with me and I will look into them. I appreciate your time and hope your weekend was fun!


(Jennifer) #25

When I was diagnosed, I was 10 years old. When I was 12 I was in a horrible car accident and came very close to death. I wasn’t taken either of those times, but there was a reason!
I grew up and became a Registered Nurse. I had nurses, doctors and educators, during those times. They were my guardian angels on earth. They made a difference in my care, how I recovered and who I grew up to be.
I am now working on becoming a Certified Diabetic Educator! As T1Ds we are a huge asset to the medical community! We hold a knowledge on this disease and understand it a lot better than many healthcare professionals.
You may have been given these experiences to help you find the road you were made to travel in this life. Stay steady on your path. You are important and very much needed here on earth. Don’t let anything deviate you from knowing that.:heart:

(Jamie) #26

As a parent—we might argue about you—it’s only because we love you so much
And as a daughter that just lost her mother—crying everyday is much worse than a little bit of arguing. They would cry everyday without you. The pain would be unbearable and never ease.
They love you or they wouldn’t care/argue about you.
You are here and we want you here.

(Dora) #27

My son was diagnosed 5 years ago. He blood sugar was 2186. They told me he would not come out of it. He was on the vent for 6 days. I felt so helpless. He came out of the coma with no lasting damage. I prayed for those days non-stop. The point of this story is that parents, friends family. We argue and sometimes get angry because we feel helpless. Have you and your parents went to counseling together. My son myself and my daughter all went to the classes. I am sorry to say that I was the only parent there. Diabetes is a family issue. Yes you have the disorder but they need to understand it as well. It might help you if you can help them. Then you might feel less helpless. Good luck and God bless

(sugar) #28

Good question, but the short answer, is yes! It seems like you might need a little more support. With out of control blood sugars you are probably feeling really burned out. Consider joining a support group.

(Nancy) #29

I love you @supersam101 welcome back!

(Laurie) #30

So much to say. I hope I don’t sound preachy, but I want you to know that here is a higher power, and that you’re still alive for a reason, When my oldest son died, my youngest son, asked all the same questions, you’re now asking, Why Timothy, why not me. He begged and pleaded with God. He thought of himself as the bad son, and his brother as the good son. No matter what I told him, he thought God made a mistake. For quite some time, nothing seemed to go his way. With a lot of prayer and pleading on my part, Christopher came out the other side. He now has a beautiful wife, and two wonderful sons. Please don’t give up!! Don’t blame yourself for your parents arguing; that’s their way of dealing, it’s their problem, not yours. I’m here; I’ll listen any time. Just stay in there, and keep on fighting, it’s so worth it, in the long run.

(SuperSam101) #31

How so? @nannimae I’m just some random existential idiot typing down emotion.

(SuperSam101) #32

I understand you completely. I am a Dean at Northfield Methodist 18 years old now. I’d still be considered a newbie with only 2 years under the belt. So with all my experience I can only offer what you Probably already know. I started out rejecting the idea. Although I was forced to eat the right way by my father, he said that I had to listen to my mother because she wanted to think she could control the disease. She still thinks she does and still prays for me. Which is great, but… I think the problem is that she(myself included) put God on too high a pedestal. I used to kneel and say my prayers. Now it’s more of a conversation. A person to talk to whenever I want to. He’s not going to heal us, because he simply wants this. Its some kind of lesson. After all God is love and if this disease doesn’t teach you to love the good times I don’t know what will. So now I can be walking and just be like “oh god, thank you by the way. For killing me and bringing me back, only to be deserted.”

Then that’s it. End of story. No more complaining. He’s heard what I have to say and he can see in my heart what I think of him. So why waste any more time than that. He brought you back to teach you a lesson. He needs you to teach other people the lesson to. The lesson is to love. When everyone loves one another… Then the world will be a better place, but until then we have to fight off our weaker selves to keep living. You’ll go when you need to and dying is not a sad nor bad thing. Its possibly the greatest thing that’ll happen to you. But it only works that way if he takes you and you don’t take yourself. @RayyrrayT1D

(wadawabbit) #33

Hi @sryoungman (what a beautiful name). What’s a HOP program? I’m not familiar with the acronym. Thanks!

(Megan) #34

I am nurse. You need to seek a professional licensed counselor or a therapist help. It is normal to feel sad but some people do need counseling to get back to being happy. It is ok to be upset… especially with all the stuff has had happened but it NOT normal to think that things would be better in our world without you. That sounds like depression and the only way to get is with a counselor’s help.

(Spring) #35

Hi Megan,

It should have read IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). Thank you for your suggestion. It was my counselor who referred me to the IOP and I continue to see her and a psychiatrist. I am thankful to have gone through the program and attend the weekly “alumni” group meeting to help us all to continue using the skills we all learned. It helps talking with people not in your family and who share similar difficulties in their lives.:blush:

(Spring) #36

I am so sorry, I thought Megan asked what HOP is.

It was a typo, it should have read IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). Some programs use Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a specific type of cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy to treat mental health disorders. It works for me and am thankful for going through the program. Enjoy the remaining of your weekend.:blush:and

Thank you for the comment about my name. I have learned to appreciate it.

(Stacey) #37

.Rayanne, As a mom this is heartbreaking to hear. I met another mom whose son is 19 and has had a lot of up’s and downs with his diabetic and he fought and won and is a firefighter now. My son is 5 and recently diagnosed and I have often worried when he becomes a teen how it will effect him. I think you could help others because of your struggle and bring truth to the struggles and help not only teens but parents understand. It is understandable why you feel this way and we are sorry your struggling and hurt. You have a higher purpose even though it seems tedious. Never allow this to define you or keep you from what you want. You can and will get through this! You much tougher than you think./ Also you may want to work with a good nutritionist and endocrinologist to help you.

(Cary) #38

Don’t you realize you can have a cgm and precice doses of insulin? I had nothing when I started 55years ago. You need to talk to someone and become a positive person. You can count carbs you can be POSITIVE. We can be normal people now with all the equipment we have!

(Spring) #39

Rayanne, I have often felt and asked, “Why am I still here?” I had slipped into coma when I was first diagnosed with Diabetes in 1977, I was seven years old. I saw a bright lite and went towards it, but was stopped by a man who told me it wasn’t my time and to go back. I asked him why and he told me I had things to do. I believe the man was my grandfather who passed before I was born. I think about that whenever I begin asking myself why I am still here and it makes me stop and think about what I have overcome with all the complications I have had.

My parents were beside themselves when I was in high school because I was doing everything that I shouldn’t, smoking, drinking, eating whatever I wanted, not testing and the more they tried to help me the more I fought back. I wanted to prove to everyone I could do those things and try to forget I was a diabetic.

I became pregnant at the 18 years old and scared to death to tell my parents. My boyfriend and I told my parents and they were so calm when they asked what we were going to do. We explained to them that because I had just graduated from high school the previous summer and he was in college we decided to abort the baby. I expected my dad to go ballistic and when he said us, “I’m not going to tell you what you should do, but that is my grandchild and I want you to keep it.” I was shocked and didn’t know how to react. We decided to go through the pregnancy even with the baby given a 60% of being born abnormal. The doctors tried to have terminate my pregnancy, but I wouldn’t.

By making that choice, I now have a 29 year old daughter, who has graduated from Harvey Mudd College, is married and raising a 14 month old daughter now. I believe I wouldn’t have these things if my grandfather had not told me to back. I fought to get my driver’s license, I have had cataracts removed from both eyes and had Ken’s implants put in over 20 years ago, I have had seizures since the age of 15 and now take medicine for them, I have had a detached retina, bleeders in my eyes and laser surgery on both, I have glaucoma, I my thyroid removed due to cancer, a traumatic brain injury, etc. I don’t know why I have had to go through all that, but do know if I hadn’t, I would not know just how strong I am, what a fighter I am, divorced my daughter’s father, married my husband 20 years after he dated my sister while in high school and is also a diabetic, he is who he is today because of meeting us again, have educated not only my family but friends and their families about diabetes. My daughter came upon a homeless man one day who was having a hypoglycemic episode and she got him food and a drink and stayed with him until he was okay. She did it because growing up with me she knew the signs. I can continue on, but want you to know whatever it is I am to do here during my life comes at times I don’t expect them to and the same is true for you. You have a purpose and whatever it may be will come to you throughout your life. You are not alone, we all have fought our own battles and have won. Look for the support you feel you need and you will win also.